I was reading about Mel Gibson’s anti-semitic rants, and his apology about being drunk* when I remembered this meme. I agree with the meme, that our brains tend to feed us what we’ve heard from our environment, but our conscious mind overrides that with our processed thoughts.
People use “he didn’t mean it, he was drunk/high” as an excuse for racist/misogynist/whateverist comments. The response is typically “you don’t become racist when drunk, you just drop your inhibitions and reveal who you are.”
But if you agree with the First Thought meme, what if being impaired isn’t revealing what you really think, but is preventing you from thinking at all, and just getting stuck on your conditioned response?
*Gibson is just an example. This post is not about litigating whether he personally is racist, but about this sort of behavior in general.
as a person who’s wife is a very very mean drunk - like physically and emotionally - I just have been conditioned to think “those are the things she really thinks but hides. i am worthless and poor.”
Sounds like a bad spot to be in. Do you have access to professional help?
My dad was an alcoholic. In rehab he/we where thought that at a certain point the person is no longer themselves but a monster who is stuck in a different kind of alcohol instinct.
Either way physical or emotional abuse is never ok. Don’t try to reason that it’s somehow not abuse and you deserve it. Making someone feel worthless about themselves is a red flag. The fact your wife poisons herself to a predictable negative result says she has not figured out life either.
Do you have a rule in your relationship that she isn’t allowed to drink around you to offer you protection from her?
I’ve lived this before. You’re not alone, even if we can only give digital support.
I hope you have you physical support around you but if ya need someone to talk to, hit me up. More than happy to talk.
This is not OK. Regardless of what provokes her, her feelings don’t define you and you deserve to be safe.
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Yikes. I’m so sorry you grew up with that. I’m sorry you lost your brother. I hope you’re doing alright now. You said it only happened when she drank; I’m glad she stopped, and I hope she’s okay now too ♥️
I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I have been in a similar position in the past. We are in a better place now and sober - what came out of my partner at their worst is not reflective of their true feelings, it was reflective of the traumatic environment they were raised in.
I hope things get better for you.