So if this isnāt the right community for this I get it, and feel free to remove it (but please do let me know why, so I donāt make the same mistake in the future, the rules donāt really say what sort of content, and this feels pretty femme-centric)
Partially I need to vent and donāt have a great social network at the moment, and partially Iām looking for ways to handleā¦ not the situations (those I can mostly handle as ex-military, former wrestler, badass chick šŖ), but the guilty uncomfortable awkward feelings. Those are new since I stopped trying so hard to mask and started experiencing myself more.
I bartend once a week at a bar and grill as the only employee of my shift (I also cook and itās too much tbh), and I guess that used to be a lot easier, or maybe the places I was working were justā¦ less likely to attract the sort of people this one doesā¦ itās sort of an older-crowd townie bar (Iām complimented on being highly competent, and I feel like Iām drowning), with a local heavy drinking culture. It doesnāt cost a lot to sit and drink all night, so a lot of people do. ($1-1.50 for mugs, or 1.75-2.25 for pints/bottles of cheap swill - on Wisconsinā¦?)
I usually try to dress super frumpy, baggy sweatshirt and stuff, because Iām ace/aro, not very social, and somewhere on the autism spectrum, and getting hit on at work is nothing but wildly uncomfortable.
Iāve made the mistake before of looking somewhat nice (no makeup or jewelry, just something that fits better than a baggy hoodie), and it doesnāt net me more tips, it just leads to uncomfortable propositions. Drunk dudes, am I right?
Young guy tonight (based on his first console, probs like mid 20s) was super nice, totally nerdy and probably wasnāt expecting a chat about video games with a collector at a dive bar, but Iām just not interested in hanging out for playing right now because Iām moving in two months, otherwise Iād risk the awkwardness even though I can tell it would have been at best a weird friendship. I felt really bad for that rejection when he verbally swallowed his feelings and asked anyway (wouldā¦ never mindā¦ well maybe youād like to). Because just bad timing. Even my boss knows Iām leaving at the end of July, and have a lot of work to do. He rushed out after but it legit wasnāt personal. Poor kid. (Omg I feel old. He didnāt like Reddit or other social link aggregators and I introduced him to the concept of RSS feedsā¦)
Coworker didnāt bother trying to be subtle. Heās around a lot and always drunk, and he today said āI know you are asexual and I respect that, but I really want to just ravage youā and so on and so forth with increasing specificity, for a very uncomfortable half an hour of drunken propositional rambling (despite my very clear āno, thank you, you know Iām really not interested in that with you or anyone else. That doesnāt sound fun to me as much as you think it should, so Iām not interested, but thank you for being honest about it so we could be entirely clear, now please stop commenting on what you want to do to meā¦ā) while I tried to cleanā¦ and prior he tried to pick a fight with some other guy Iāve never seen before that one of my regulars also had never metā¦ and I had to tell him to chill the fuck outā¦ Iāve never had to flex my powers as the sole voice of the bar before and it suuuucked, but he did indeed shut the fuck up and sit down. So that was kinda fun?
And Iām justā¦ so tired of fending off this shit. I donāt want any of it. I donāt wear makeup, I stopped trying to cover my gray hair years ago, and I intentionally dress to not impressā¦ Iām just trying to do my job and also be comfortable with the heatā¦ Iām not even all that nice to anyone, other than quiet lady folks. Especially those who clearly donāt want to be there and just got dragged along. I try to keep them entertained when I can, and make them question their dynamic. I get being there.
How do I deal with feeling like crap about other people being gross? Or risking their all to be turned down by someone doing a job? I know how to be strong and upfront and honest, to do the work to be clear about my intentions, even if Iām nice about it, but I donāt have a clue how to feel better about itā¦
Yeah itās only until the end of July, it was just to help out a friend until either I was ready to move or her staffing picked up, and her staffing picked up, so Iām out.
Itās not my cup of tea, but it is what it is, and I figured getting out of the house once a week would be, like, good for me or something.