Someone I live with insists on calling me “bro” and “dude”, despite my repeated pleas for cessation, citing ideolect as a defence.
I get that “bro” and “dude” are part of their vocabulary, but it hurts. Am I in the wrong here?
P.S. Is this the right community for this kind of question?
Calling anyone anything they have told you makes them uncomfortable is a statement of how much you value their discomfort.
Your housemate is telling you how much they value your discomfort.
That’s… concerning. Well, I’m already planning to relocate, so that issue will basically resolve on its own.
Also, wow! Blåhaj Zone admin commented on my post!
Sometimes, you could get the impression they are human 💖
Huh?
That’s… concerning. Well, I’m already planning to relocate, so that issue will basically resolve on its own.
Also, wow! Blåhaj Zone admin commented on my post!
I am a gen-x cis male who has been skateboarding and surfing since the early 1980’s. The words “bro” and “dude” are completely genderless to me. I call my female friends and my wife “dude” all the time (bro less so as that might be a generational divide there). That said, if you, or anybody for that matter, told me that the term is harmful to them, I would makr every effort to avoid using it with them. I might slip up from time to time due to muscle memory, but if I did, I would apologize.
This is, at the very least, common courtesy. Your roommate is in the wrong and you are not being rude.
You, my friend, are very based for this. Thanks for the reässuring words.
Personally, I call even my mother “bro”, but if anyone expressed that they didn’t like being called it, I would make a concerted effort not to call them that. It’s not hard to try in good faith.
Coïncidentally, the person also calls their mother “bro” lol
No, you’re allowed to be reffered to how you want
This sums it up. Man, woman, cis, trans… it doesn’t matter. If you don’t want to be called something, it’s reasonable to ask that they stop.
Bingo, this.
If you don’t like it, and you’ve explained that you don’t like it, and they keep doing it, it’s basically verbal abuse. Treat it as such.
This might seems strange, but… how should I treat verbal abuse?
I’m certainly not a therapist or any kind of expert on domestic abuse, but I found some strategies on what to do about it:
- confront the abuser (if possible)
- write down exactly what was said to you and when, and also when you asked them to stop. Even if it’s been a while, start counting now.
- talk to a mental health provider or support group
Thanks, I’ll try these things.
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Absolutely not wrong! We all deserve a minimum level of our preferences in address being respected.
Now, is it true that dude in specific, and bro to a small extent, aren’t about gender per se? Sure. Dude was originally gender neutral in the surfer lingo. And brospeak litters conversation with bro like cigarette butts on a highway. It isn’t being used as a slight or a misgendering the way you describe it.
Like, I tend to litter both speech and casual writing with “like” at the beginning of sentences like this. Bro is used akin to bub or pal or homie more than the origin as brother. It isn’t as gendered as it started out. Dudettes even use bro for their sisters ;)
That doesn’t change that someone you live with is brushing against your specific pain points.
This is a situation that requires compromise on the part of a roomie. When an aussie rooms with someone that suffered abuse by being called cunt, it only matters a tiny bit that they don’t mean it in a bad way. It matters in that it’s something to work on rather than an immediate deal breaker. Your situation is a few steps apart that, but the same principle.
You’re absolutely not being rude. And, if the person in question refuses outright to work with you they’re the asshole. Language, ideolect, takes time and effort to adjust, but it is malleable. That effort is necessary when addressing someone. They can still call others bro. They can still use the term bro as a term of affection. They just need to stop calling you bro. And dude, despite its origins.
Fwiw, while I definitely believe this is an appropriate community for the question, it would also be appropriate in any general questions community. It applies outside of trans issues as well
I have some self-worth issues, so I sometimes have trouble knowing when… I’m unsure how to finish that sentence. I don’t always feel I deserve minimum respect, like everyone else. Thanks for helping me reädjust.
I’m not even asking them to not use those words as filler words or exclamations; I don’t kind a “duuuude” if i show them something neat, or a “bruh” if I tell them something outrageous.
Yeah, I wasn’t sure whether to put this here or over in !asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone. I generally prefer posting on Blåhaj Zone, since I know the mods will be fairly vigilant against transphobes; it feels safe here.
One of the things I love about the fediverse is the blahaj instances. The admin team, and Ada in specific, bust their asses to make them a place where more than minimum respect and decency can be expected. They’ve taken heat for it, but stand firm, which has earned a deep and abiding respect on my part for them.
Asktransgender is probably the more specific spot for questions, true. Nothing wrong with crossposting in that regard :)
I totally get the self image thing. It’s hard to self advocate when self esteem says it isn’t worth it. I’ve had eras of my life where that was an issue. Probably still would if I wasn’t old and crusty.
If it were me, and the person was important enough to make it worth playing nice, I’d sit them down and explain that it hurts, that it causes distress. A lot of people will respond to that kind of direct honesty and vulnerability when they won’t to a reasonable request that means they have to put effort in. Mind you, not everyone is worth playing nice, and plenty of people will take openness as an excuse to be an asshole. But, overall, it works.
If they aren’t important enough, I tend to get my dander raised and step up past assertive into aggressive, but I can’t recommend that. It does work more often than not, but it sets up an adversarial tone that rarely goes away. It is, however, appropriate when someone refuses to show basic decency around terms of address.
But, hey, no bullshit, you always deserve at least the bare minimum of respect. That’s something that even serious assholes only lose when there’s no other choice. You absolutely deserve to be able to draw boundaries around how you’re addressed.
Yeah, Ada et al. are really great. I’d crosspost to AskTransgender, but I’ve gotten plenty of answers at this point.
I’ll definitely try to the direct honesty and vulnerability thing. If that doesn’t work, I’ll just do the name-calling thing people keep suggesting lol
Still feels weird to think that I deserve respect, but I think you’re probably right.
Am I in the wrong here?
No. It is okay to have boundaries around pretty much anything, even if it goes against what someone or somemany else usually does.
I struggle with boundaries and such, so this is a nice little reality-check. Thanks!
Sure, we like to help and remind beings of helpful things :)
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“But I call everyone ‘bro’ or ‘dude’!”
Sure, I get that! But not me though.
I think I’m gonna use this when I address it with them; short ‘n’ sweet. Thanks!
I think I’m gonna use this when I address it with them; short ‘n’ sweet. Thanks!
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No. Words have different meanings to different groups of people and cultures. If it’s an insult to be called that, then it doesn’t matter if they mean it that way or not. Just like someone from Australia wouldn’t come to the US and be able to call people “cunt” because in the US it’s a slur against women even if that’s not how they usually use it.
I actually would be less—no, not at all—offended by an Aussie calling me “cunt”. I really fuckin’ hate being called bro.
Oh totally, at least it’s a dialectical misunderstanding and the accent would give it away.
Bro or dude are masculine terms in the majority of American society not gender neutral, and thus if you use them to refer to a woman who considers them masculine tems, they explain that, and you refuse to change, that’s a problem.
If you tell an Aussie what “cunt” means in the US who doesn’t know, they probably would stop using it, at least with people who don’t appreciate it.
I have started using inappropriate terms of endearment when people do it to me. It’s especially easy with men outside of the deep south to call them “dear” or “sugar” and then say, well those are commonly used as gender neutral in the south. With women, ive sometimes found, like “hey, man, what’s up” an then say that’s gender neutral to me. But depends on regional and subcultural uses of that one. Sometimes using the b word. It’s not uncommon for very friendly women, especially in black culture, to use that with each other, but very offensive if you don’t agree on calling each other that. Same concept. It might be a term of endearment for me, but offensive to you.
Anyway, finding some of those things usually helps them get it. If not, then they’re out of my life of basic respect isn’t viable for them.
I’d actually be like “wow, genuine Aussie called me the c-word!” lol
If girlypop doesn’t work, I might have to escalate to bitch. The thing is, I’m not entirely convinced it’s completely engrained in their ideolect.
Yeah… I really gotta move outta here.
- Yar aint wrong.
- correct /c/
- Straight up start call’m “baby,” “doll,” “girl,” “bitch,” “cunt,” “yapper,” etc. until they start getting offended. “Maybe you can now empathize why I don’t liked to be ‘bro”d’? Truce?” Some folks only learn the hard way.
- Indefensible argument:
citing ideolect as a defence.
“You talk to your grandparents this way cunt?” e.g.I was doing that, but I kinda forgot to keep doing it. I’ll go back to doing it, and maybe they’ll stop.
It’s likely a bullshit excuse for deliberate disrespect. Return the favor by finding something to call them which bothers them - when they complain, give them the same excuse they use in return.
I’ve done that before… maybe I should do it more.
No, your friend is in the wrong. I use dude and bro a lot, and for everyone. I use it irregardless of gender. HOWEVER, I also respect others. If someone is uncomfortable with how I am referring to them, I accommodate. Because it costs me nearly nothing to change the way I talk, and I likely would be having a harmful impact on whoever I am talking with if I don’t respect their boundaries. This is particularly the case for trans folk, cause refusing to accommodate only worsens the impact of gender dysphoria.
The only time I have ever given pushback is when someone tells me not to use the word “queer.” I am queer, and I identify as gender-queer, and I will not censor my identity.
Someone told you not to use “queer”‽ That’s absurd. It’s been reclaimed now.
That reminds me: this person also thinks Billy Joe Armstrong (who is bi) should be cancelled for saying the f-slur. Like, what‽
My 2cents is everyone has a right to ask not to be called something or referred to that way, and if somebody doesnt make an effort they’re a knob.
Where I come from, dude is gender neutral so I get that of takes some effort so avoid using it but if it made anyone I talk with uncomfortable id try my best. Dont think thats unreasonable.
Its only unreasonable (IMO) if you’re expecting perfection and they are actually trying, correcting themselves or apologizing when they slip and moving on. I don’t think that’s the case from your post tho.
Also fwiw I’m an enby who’s lax on my own pronouns so grain of salt n all that.
Thanks, and yeah: I don’t expect perfection.
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this is a trans community. your question is pretty tone deaf.
After reading everyone elses comments (including yours, thanks to notifications), I can confidently say it does NOT depend on whether I’m “male or female”.
