(This is descriptive, not prescriptive, I’m aware I might step on a bunch of trans people’s sensibilities. I hope you can hear me out and not get defensive, this is about me, not about you, every trans person’s journey is different.)

“I’m tired of lying,” I told my wife eight years ago. “I’m tired of pretending I’m something I’m not.” Lying was a barrier between us, I couldn’t tell her what I was really struggling with or what was really on my mind, because I felt I had to man up and push a masc persona.

And now my wife doesn’t want to lie to me, call me a name that wasn’t given to me, isn’t my legal name, call me a sex that I am not.

So as someone who is trans and a Christian, how do I reconcile the truth of God’s creation, objective reality, with the truth that I have crippling gender dysphoria? Well I got on HRT a month ago and it has brought a clarity of mind that I’ve been lacking. And I’ve been arguing with my pastor about all this (see previous posts by me if you really want to), which brings additional perspective. And between all that and a perfect bike ride in the perfect weather, I had a little revelation.

I’ll tear sex and gender apart and take the truest parts of both.

Sex: God created Sex, and it is very good. It’s how mammals propagate, two halves of a whole, coming together to make something new, a slight iteration upon their parents. It’s all over nature. It’s fun, too, fulfilling the biological imperative, both the act and the raising kids (very different kinds of fun, though).

Gender: People took the dimorphism found in the very good sex God created, and iterated upon it for thousands of years, and now guys are allowed to wear polo shirts and girls are allowed to wear eyeliner. Gender is made up, and changes from place to place and time to time. Our gender is the first impression we give of ourselves, and it’s extremely malleable, we can do with it as we will.

So what are the most true pieces of this?

Well, God made me a man. I am the father of my children, the husband of my wife. And you know what, I can handle that. I love it when my kiddos call me daddy, and “husband” is the most truthful description of my relationship with my wife.

I’m a son, I’m a brother. These terms are (in my mind) more “gendered” than “sexed” but if my siblings and parents want to refer to me as their brother and their son, I mean they aren’t wrong. If they are lying to call me a sister or a daughter, well I don’t need them to lie on my behalf.

I don’t need to change my legal name, I don’t have trauma attached to it, and the government doesn’t need to know I’m trans. If people want to call me that it might be a bit formal, or maybe they are grandfathered in, it is truly my name. I’m gonna put my legal name on forms when asked, and my sex as M on forms when asked, and my preferred name on forms when asked, and when presented with the question “Gender?” and a blank line to fill out, I think I’ll put “transfem” as it’s the truest label that fits, explaining my gender without denying my sex.

I feel like it should end there, but there’s pesky pronouns. Cis people have trouble separating sex and gender, because they experience them as a continuum, so they use pronouns to refer to sex and gender, instead of a nice clean line where I can break it easy. So, for those who think they’ll be be lying if they call me she/her, they can use he/him. But again on forms that ask for preferred pronouns, I’ll put she/her, as that’s the truth, those are the pronouns I prefer.

“Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something.”

Gender Dysphoria brings a lot of pain, and in a perfect world it wouldn’t exist. I don’t know what that looks like, because I don’t live in a perfect world. I know I was avoiding a lot of truths because I was in pain, and hiding from it all. But now I’m on E and so much of that pain is gone that I am able to take a good look at this truth, confront it, and ultimately embrace it.

Hi, I’m probabaly Amber, I’m a child of God, I’m her husband, I’m their dad. I’m a mess, a contradiction to many, but I’m finally done lying.