I’ve been crying almost daily for a year now, while trying my ass off to keep a stiff upper lip. I’ve been desperately hanging on to the standard justifications (maybe tomorrow it’ll be better, can’t let them win, this will pass, won’t rain forever, etc., etc.) out of sheer inertia, but I honestly can’t say that I believe any of them.
I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out which way to take it in life, what to do with myself, but all I feel is the walls closing in. And they’re suffocating me. The world is a fucking mess, my life is a fucking mess, I’m completely alone save for a couple of acquaintances with whom I have no true relationship, my close family is entirely dead (which, if I’m being perfectly honest, isn’t all that different than when they were alive, except I’ve been grieving the death of my mother for five years now and it doesn’t seem to end), and I’m getting old.
There is nothing which makes me want to wake up in the morning anymore. There is nothing to get me excited anymore. There is nothing to look forward to. And I don’t think I’m depressed, because depression felt like letting myself sink in lukewarm tar. This feels like a desperate, rabid sadness, like my soul wants to shred my skin off and just howl itself apart. I can feel my innards wanting to live, truly live, to experience at least some satisfaction, some sort of enjoyment, but I don’t know what I could do to get there.
I used to love being creative, but now it’s as though that pipeline got clogged up with rotten socks. I used to love interacting with animals, but all I conclude when thinking about getting a dog is that it would be unfair to that poor creature to have it bunk up with my despondent ass. I used to love hanging out with friends, but all of my friends turned out to be people who were only looking out for themselves. I used to love my country, but there’s nothing left to love around here anymore. I used to be fascinated by nature, now all I see is how little sense it makes and how worse it’s getting due to climate change. I even used to love loving someone, but now I just think about having to go through the process of dating and I’d rather just throw my soul away than have to do that again. I loved smoking weed, now it’s just a waste of money, because I’m just as miserable when stoned. I haven’t felt joy in… I don’t even remember how long, but most definitely not in the past decade…
And I’m so… so fucking tired. I feel more tired than I’ve ever felt in my entire life. And not “I need more sleep” tired, it’s as though I’m one of those old cars abandoned in parking lots, with busted wheels and corroded bodywork, with weeds growing through the upholstery. I don’t feel sick, I feel spent. Utterly spent.
And I don’t think I can do this anymore.
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I don’t know you, but boy I’ve felt that. Not as intensely or as long, for sure, but the helplessness and inner desire for… meaning? Adventure? But being stuck instead. Yeah that sucks.
If you ever want to just chat or whatever, feel free to hit me up with a dm. I may not be able to make the world at large better, but I can at least offer an ear.
Hot air balloon pilots are always looking for crew people. Balloon clubs are having their annual safety seminars over the next couple months.
Repair stations are performing annual aircraft inspections, which requires a visual examination of every single panel on the balloon. They love having extra hands and eyes.
That genuinely sounds lovely! But hot air balloons aren’t all that big in our country (Romania), most of my compatriots prefer to yell at their phones in public, pop illegal explosives months after New Year’s, and just generally being uninteresting assholes…
But hot air balloons aren’t all that big in our country
So?
Ballooning isn’t “all that big” anywhere in the world. It’s a small community, but an extraordinarily welcoming one. We need help, and most of it is stuff we can show you how to do in a couple minutes. The hard part is connecting interested people with teams.
Romania actually has some very large balloon festivals that attract crews from around the world. Foreign teams rarely bring their whole crews, and rely on local volunteers. Big, special shape balloons often need 20+ local crew people.
No, if there is criticism to be laid on ballooning, it’s that we often cancel our plans at the last minute, due to weather.
There’s a lot in this world that will get you down, but you are wrong about the dog. There’s a dog on death row right now that you could save. I guarantee it will be happier with you, even if you aren’t perfect. And that dog will probably give you more love than any of us deserves. And that, often helps a little bit.
Go save some poor doggy, maybe they will save you back.
I didn’t even think about that, now I feel ashamed… You’re right. I’ll look into adoption, thank you so much!
Amazing how relatable this is and yet loads of us can still feel chronically isolated or without purpose in life. Do you have some idea what elusive condition might allow you to experience life as a gift? If not, I hope you find it.
I also hope to see you posting again. This may be a tangent, but I like your way with words! There’s an understated grace in how you wrote this post. If writing isn’t of interest to you that’s cool. I just couldn’t help pointing it out.
I honestly don’t know… I realised I’ve lived my entire life for others so far, trying to achieve their standards for me, trying to fix their problems, trying to make them happy, not so that they’d be happy with me, but that they’d be happy enough with themselves to stop criticising every cell of my being for once. But now that they’re all gone, there’s nobody left to try to satisfy other than myself, and I don’t… think there’s enough of me left to be able to identify anything concrete. I feel like a tool without somebody to use it, if that makes sense. Purposeless, as you’ve said, and still.
Thank you! Writing used to be one of the things I loved (and literature in general), but it’s now on life support, like everything else.
I’m so very sorry you could relate to my words. Honestly. And I truly hope you, too, will find your bliss!
Why are you me. Thats so fucked that I’m not the only one feeling like this. No one should feel like this. Yet here we are. The only thing keeping me going is seeing new games or anime that make me excited enough to wait for them to come out. If that ever stops ho boy am I fucked. But everything in between fucking suuuucks. Hope you find a way out of this hole. Maybe share it with the rest of the class once you’re out.
This sounds like you’re describing an “Identity Crisis”. source
I have no professional expertise. I recommend you reach out to a professional for good guidance. The one thing I can offer is that it sounds like you’ve been someone else for some many other people that you’ve may never been able to explore who you are or who you want to be. If you at this low right now, then perhaps this is the lowest point and, with your actions, it only gets better from here.
I’m only seeing you from miles away, but you are in my thoughts.
Oh, yep, been going through it for a decade and a half, believe me…
I’ve been through the worst of it, though, right after finishing Uni - had a complete system breakdown, fell into a deep depression characterised mainly by self-hatred for about 7 years, but I managed to pull myself out of it, then sought therapy to cement my work and to build upon it. I still don’t have the full picture (and I’m starting to doubt I ever will, as we’re frustratingly dynamic creatures from a psychological standpoint), but I’ve at least identified my ‘core’ aspects and I try to nurture them as much as I can.
I can sorta’ see who I am, but, as you’ve said, not exactly who I want to be - I’m still trying to reconcile what I’ve understood about myself so far with fitting into the greater context of humanity, but it’s so hard to relate to people who haven’t been through The Suck… Feels like I’m pretty much on my own with this, and it’s… not a happy thought…
I am window shopping for therapy again, but I wanted to give “swimming on my own for a bit” an honest try beforehand - my previous therapist tried to encourage me to develop more confidence in what and how I think (ironically, the consensus among them was that my thinking isn’t the problem, not having any faith in it is). I want to respect the homework, but I’m done trying to demolish brick walls with my face.
Thank you so much, it really does mean a lot to me!
I wish I could go on a one-way trip outside our solar system. I wish I could see the Universe and just die out there, alone and in peace…
Just out of curiosity, are you downvoting all of your own comments, or do you have some jackass stalking you?
I remove the default upvote, one of my stupid little principles, I guess…
