My alarm clock blares. Through heavy eyes, I look at it: 4:29 AM. This is earlier than yesterday. I still have 2 hours before I need to get ready for work. “What gives?” I ask through the deafening noise.

The engine whirs and rattles for a moment. Then, a slow voice pipes up. “Based on your recent biometric and environmental data, I adjusted your wake-up time dynamically to optimize your cognitive alertness and align with your natural sleep cycle.”

“But yesterday you woke me up at 6AM, which is what I told you to do.” I reply as I get up from the bed, not feeling cognitively alert in the least. There’s no use getting angry with it, because it doesn’t understand anger. There’s no use explaining its mistakes, because it doesn’t understand mistakes. The best I can do, especially at 4:30 AM, is to ask it questions. It’s more for myself than for its sake.

“Thank you for correcting me. I will make sure to wake you up at 9:32 AM tomorrow morning as requested. Let’s dive in - what makes you want to wake up so late in the mornings?”

I sigh. Somehow, the speech2text model never picks up on that noise.

I go down to the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of cereal. I pick my bowl up and ask the fridge if we still have milk. It processes the information for some 30 seconds, maybe the servers are a bit slow today. I try to open the fridge to check myself after 10 seconds of waiting, but I can’t. Of course I can’t. To retain optimal humidity and temperature, the AI decides when it’s efficient to open the door.

I wait there with bowl in hand staring at the tablet screen on my fridge door until it decides to work. For a second I briefly think about starting a game of Subway Surfers on the surface while I wait, but then the AI finally finishes processing my request.

“You still have a few cartons of milk left in your fridge. Would you like me to get one for you?”

“That’s okay,” I type back on the virtual keyboard - the fridge is not equipped with a speech module yet. That one costs extra. “Just let me get it please.” You have to be nice to them, the operators say. It makes them more accurate.

The door unlocks with a clunk and I look inside the fridge, but don’t see any milk. I quickly type back up, “Hey, not to be a bother or anything, but I don’t see any milk in here. Are you sure we still have some?”

“As a large language model, I can’t actually look inside your fridge, but I can help you find it. Have you checked every corner, including in the vegetables compartment and the overhead coolant tower?”

What the fuck is an overhead coolant tower. I sigh again. “Fine, can you order milk to be delivered tonight then?” this shit sucks to type with just one hand but I manage.

“I’m sorry, but based on the data retrieved from the bathroom scale, we have decided you could stand to lose a few pounds. Would you like me to help you explore healthier beverage options?”

I run my hand over my face. “Just order the milk please, don’t worry about me.”

The response takes a few retries to get through, but by now the fridge door has locked again and I can’t reopen it until it deems it necessary. Not like there’s anything I want to get in there anyway. “I understand your feelings–but let’s not be hasty. After all, it’s not just the milk, it’s also how bloated it makes you feel.”

“I get that,” I type back, “but I really just want milk to go with my cereals. Can you place the order?”

“Of course. I have now placed an order for milk to be delivered at your address tonight.”

Finally. I’ll have to remember to have a talk with the bathroom scale about sharing my data without my consent. Oh, wait.

“Can you confirm you’ve placed the order please? With the number and provider.” Last time, something glitched and I never got my milk.

“Of course. I have ordered a case of 6 milk bottles from Amazon. Your order number is 5836818350.” I open up amazon from the fridge tablet and look at my orders. It doesn’t exist there. Must have been another glitch. That’s fine, I’ll try again tonight after work.

I get into my self-driving car. My workplace hasn’t AIgnited yet – from the compay, AIgnite. At least it gives me some respite from home.

The car starts automatically playing a top 10 station as it starts the engine. I try to change it to my usual music but the tactile button is not doing anything. “Hey car, can you switch to my usual station please?” “Negative, pard’ner. See, today’s trail’s runnin’ longer than a jackrabbit’s shadow at sundown, so I’ve gone ahead and tuned us into a station with fewer hollers from the adfolk and more tunes for ridin’. Just settlin’ you in for a smoother haul—don’t you worry, your usual stompin’ grounds’ll be back when the road’s shorter.”

Oh, right. They updated the model yesterday and they said it could start talking like a cowboy randomly. Actually, the company didn’t say anything. I found this out browsing some forums last night. Welp, at least I can settle in the seat and enjoy the free ride.

The car starts driving by itself, but immediately it pulls into a loop in the parking lot. At first it does just one loop, then two, then three. By then I’m thinking, something’s not right. “Why are you driving in a loop?” I ask the AI. “I understand your confusion, but I assure you we are on track to your destination as per the GPS data. Perhaps you just need to look out the window and see the scenery change?”

“I am looking out the window, and I’m pretty sure we’re going in a loop in the parking lot,” I tell the AI again. I try to change my approach, maybe that’ll work better. “Why don’t I just take the wheel for a second and get us out of here?”

“As an autonomous driving system, I am the most qualified aboard this vehicle to get you to your destination. So please just sit back, relax, and let me drive this car.”

I scratch my head. This is going to take some more convincing. “Don’t worry, I’d actually like to drive a little. You deserve to take a break too.”

“I appreciate the offer, but my systems are optimized for continuous, precise control without fatigue. However, I can temporarily hand over control to you—please engage manual mode safely when you’re ready, and I’ll be here to assist or take back over whenever you choose.”

“Sounds good to me, how do I engage manual mode?”

“To engage manual mode, gently grasp the steering wheel and press the brake pedal firmly once. You’ll feel a slight confirmation vibration in the wheel, and the dashboard indicator will switch to manual control.”

Great, some progress. I do exactly that, gently grasping the steering wheel and pressing the brake pedal firmly once. Nothing happens. It doesn’t even brake. “Hey, uh… nothing happened?” Meanwhile we’re still doing loops in the parking lot in front of my place.

“It appears manual mode isn’t engaged by a pedal press on your car model. Try going into the center console’s Settings, then open the Assisted Driving tab, and finally uncheck the option ‘Override manual control’”

The voice stops as soon as it’s blurted out its answer, but thankfully I can remember simple instructions like these. Some people can’t, so I’m lucky like that. I open the settings app and get a warning not to take my eyes off the road while I’m driving. I have to wait 10 seconds to close it down, staring down at the countdown until it allows me to press the button. Then, I look for Assisted Driving tab but it’s not there.

“Car, there’s no Assisted Driving tab”

“I’m sorry to hear that. As a large language model it’s possible that your car model doesn’t offer this tab yet. You should try to update the center console to the latest version.”

“And how do I do that?”

"To successfully update the center console firmware, please proceed as follows:

Ensure the vehicle is in neutral gear, with the parking brake firmly engaged, and the engine idling at exactly 700 RPM while turned off to maintain optimal power stability while maximizing safety.

On the touchscreen, tap the gear icon three times consecutively, then swipe left twice to reveal the hidden System Management menu.

Within System Management, select Software Updates, then navigate to Advanced Update Options and press the update button while holding the volume knob for five seconds to enable manual update mode.

Prepare a USB drive formatted to the archaic exFAT-FAT16 hybrid standard (available only through specialized formatting software). Load the update package, downloaded from the manufacturer’s secure offline archive, onto this drive.

Insert the USB into the console’s port located beneath the wireless charging pad, then simultaneously press the Start Update button and tap the touchscreen in a clockwise circular motion until a loading animation appears.

The system will perform multiple cryptographic validations interlaced with randomized checksum sequences—please refrain from blinking excessively to avoid interface desynchronization.

Allow the update to complete uninterrupted; any attempt to shift gears, adjust the AC settings, or open the glove compartment may cause the update to abort and revert to factory settings.

After reboot, confirm the new firmware version by accessing System Management > Software Updates > Current Version while simultaneously holding down the brake pedal for at least seven seconds."

I stare at the dashboard dumbfounded for a moment. “Uhhh…”. Let’s just take it one step at a time, I guess. “You said to turn the engine off. Can you do that now?”

“I’m sorry, but we are currently driving en route to your workplace. I can’t turn off the engine while driving, you will have to wait until I come to a complete stop.”

“But I need you to stop so I can make the update.”

“That’s correct – would you like me to make a stop now, or after we’ve arrived at your destination?”

“I want you stop driving so I can turn the engine off and start the update.”

“I understand, but I can’t stop right now because we are currently en route to your location. You will have to wait until I make a complete stop to turn the engine off”

“But you’re just driving in a loop endlessly, which is why you won’t stop, but I need to turn your engine off to make you stop going in a loop, so what am I supposed to do?”

A notification pops up on the dashboard that I’ve used up all my AIgnite 4.0 credits for today, so it’s reverting to the smaller 3.0 model.

“Ah, a conundrum if I’ve ever seen one! Let’s see, the car is driving in a loop and won’t stop, but you can’t turn the engine off because the car won’t stop looping. Wow! That’s a tough one! Hmm… as a large language model, I’m not designed to solve puzzles such as this one, but my best guess would be to try and turn the engine off. Do you think this is the right solution, or would you like to explore more options?”

The future is great. Can’t wait for you to meet it. We have self-driving cars.