The homophobe was coming right for us. I feared for my life. It was self defense.

Narcissists always see themselves as the hero or the victim. Either way, you’re wrong for suggesting they change a god damned thing about themselves.

Sometimes I put Bob’s Burgers on the TV for them

I’m an on call mortician. I spend a lot of time walking around funeral homes at night in the dark. I heard shit moving around and weird crashing noises all the time. I fuckin ignore that shit. Oh, what? The demon wants attention again, so I have to take my earbuds out? Nah. Not tonight Satan. I’m really into this audio book.

I’m a mortician and all we have been talking about is how shit of a job they did. We call those pancake hands because they’re flat. They’re also hovering, which is why they look so unnatural. They didn’t use any dye, which is why he’s that horrible color. It’s called formaldehyde gray. I guess maybe dye is left out for some religious reason? But there is absolutely no excuse for those hands.

We all assume it was done by some old guy who only does embalmings once every 10 years, or however often a Pope is dying.