I found a place to hide at work last night (it was very slow) and cried it out for a little while. It helped. I still feel like shit, but the intrusive thoughts are a lot quieter right now. I just want to be happy, but I don’t see it happening. I was able to put the mask back on, so I’m not drawing the attention of those around me. Just keep faking it.
Thank you for the clarity. No one understands the struggle…but you seem to. If I’m not careful, I will confess to my best friend. But looking at it logically, there is not a single timeline in which this doesn’t end with the end of our multi-year relationship. There are times in which I truly believe the world would be better without me. Maybe this is one of those times. I’m definitely legally drunk, and will sleep and have nightmares of what could be. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.
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I can’t tell her.
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That’s really nice to hear, but I’m tired of waiting to find someone that cares for me as more than just a friend. I recognize that I likely will never find that.
If I could push a button and never existed for anyone, I’m afraid I would push it.
Cute dog! Unfortunately, I would not be able to provide the care and love a pet would deserve, due to my work schedule. It wouldn’t be fair.
ETA: I limit my drinking to maybe once per week. I could lose my job if I test positive for nicotine, let alone weed. It’s sad to say I am happy only when I’ve railed enough coke to numb everything else. I won’t go back to coke though. I think it would kill me, like honestly, it would actually cause my heart to burst.
I wait, in vain, for things to get better. Based upon all available data (in my head), things do not get better. I stopped lying to myself a while ago. If not for my son, I would have left this world years ago.
Fucking facts. I cling to those dopamine hits, but my tolerance is so high that even those moments don’t scratch the itch anymore.
I want someone to marry me again someday. I want someone to stand in front of my friends and family and profess their love and devotion.
I gave up on that dream a couple of years ago.
Indefensible. I wish the cruelest fate to befall him.
My provider switched my mood stabilizer a month or so ago, and it seems like I’m finally getting my moods under control. I’ve cleaned, cooked and started taking care of myself again. I was in a bit of a dark place for a few months, and it seems like I’ve emerged. I’m hopeful for once. Now I just need to lose the 10lbs that I put on during that time. CICO does work.
Edit: Scratch all of that hopeful bullshit. My mood swung so wildly in the other direction today. If I say any more it would be an invitation to my pathetic pity party.
From the…comments?
WELL, IF ALIENS FROM SPACE, THEY WONT FIND ANY INTELLIGENT LIFE THERE.
Gold Jerry—gold!
Oh there are plenty of 20-30-something’s that are Jesus Karen’s. If you have ever worked retail in the US, you would no doubt have encountered one in the wild. They are terrible people, who deserve as much shit as they dish out.
Why so hostile? Being a “complete sexual degenerate” has nothing to do with being gay. It seems that you have internalized homophobia. Seeking help to understand why you feel that way is a good first step.
Chances are 100% that an abusive watch of porn, hentai, and early masturbation, as well as traumas of neglect and bullying, distorted me.
Hold up. Watching porn as a child does not somehow make people gay. You really should see a therapist who can help you navigate your sexuality.
Hey, here’s an idea: Fuck off
It was alright.
I wish she’d see me as more than a friend, but tonight I realized that that will never happen. We had a wonderful time together. We laughed and cried. She showed me the texts between her and this new guy she likes. I need to be happy for her, but who’s happy for me? Who’s there for me? I want so badly for it to be her, but it never will be. I will have to continue down this path alone. Things are better off without me.