Hi,
I don’t know if I actually “qualify” to post here, but since I have some levels of transfem or feminine self-identity, I think it might be worth asking. I’m technically in the phase where I’m still trying to figure out what the hell I identify myself as, despite my age, so like… there’s that.
I went to see a therapist who specializes in gender identity. It was pretty nice to be able to “come clean” about myself in a way that was non-judgemental and I was perhaps so gung-ho to talk about it that they were pretty amazed with how comfortable I was talking about it. What they didn’t know is that I was really thinking about it every day for a week before my appointment, even grappling how honest I would be.
Anyway, long story short, there’s a mutual understanding from both me and my therapist that I have to at least talk to my current long term girlfriend about my gender questioning and get some kind of thumbs up or down on whether she’s comfortable with me talking to someone or at least reflecting on myself. I felt bad enough going to the first appointment “secretly”, despite my body being my own choice but as life partners it feels wrong. Since I might be more gender fluid or non-binary, technically, I’d personally be fine “coping” with myself as I am if that was her preference (I mean this sincerely) if otherwise our relationship would end – I value her more than I value my “identity”, if that makes sense.
There’s certain aspects to this relationship that are going to be very different from most: The US policy of the last 6 to 8 years has put us in stasis a bit where we’re stuck long distance, so realistically speaking the next time I can see her in person is probably later this year in the fall. This is probably too long for me to wait before mentioning it, so I’m going to have to try to find some way to make this work in a phone call (or video call).
Anyway, I’m curious to know if anyone else here who came out with partners have any stories about how this went. I’ve heard it usually goes kind of tits-up, so I’m a bit anxious to bring it up especially over the phone. Part of me thinks that my girlfriend basically already knows because the hints can get pretty extreme, but you never know what people will actually think once it’s “confirmed” or not hahaha.
I don’t have concrete advice for you since I’m not in a relationship and weren’t when coming out. But this
will probably change with time now that you started questioning your gender identity. You can’t put that back into a box.
Also, even if your identity isn’t that far from that which was assigned by genital examination at birth, I can’t imagine many healthy relationships being dependent on someone pretending to be a gender they aren’t.
Fair, I’m not entirely sure about that myself either.
just know this is a very common trans experience, and it rarely goes well when someone chooses to “cope” for their partner like that 😅
it’s also very common for trans people rationalize their identity as non-binary to continue repressing and push-off transition, it happened to me and many others I know.
I would actually suggest trying estrogen up-front as a diagnostic - it’s safe, you have around 3 months before there are any long-term effects (the only long term effect is breast growth, tbh), and it can be very clarifying.
I never really “figured out” my identity, but once I started estrogen my mental health improved immensely and I realized whether I’m “really trans” or not, I would take estrogen recreationally and couldn’t really see a way to stop taking estrogen that would be healthy for me. Luckily despite my uncertainty about my identity, it has turned out well for me and I am happy to be a woman.