Hi. My name is Daniel. Today I woke up at around 18:00 and the day is almost over.
I’m 24 years old IT student in a shady college and I live with my parents. I had jobs here and there, but never longer that a month.
Somewhere in early school years I’ve started feeling that my face looks cartoony in comparison to other kids. I still remember vividly as I stood in front of the mirror with my long hair and fantasized about being reborn as a girl, and that my life would improve significantly, if I was a pretty girl that everyone loved. Somewhere in kindergarten, I put a sock in my mouth just to make a girl notice me because I was jealous she was talking to another boy and never with me. I was already bad at socializing. I had a lot of friends in old grandpa’s around the hood, for some reason. A lot of them died since and I didn’t have anyone to talk to.
Somewhere at the end of elementary and start of middle school, I was forced into homeschooling due to an incident where I yanked a girls hair for calling me fat. I was fat for my entire life, and I still can’t do anything about it no matter how much I eat, because I don’t move around much at all.
I’m bad at controlling my emotions. Due to that I have been an asshole to many people. During first college, I’ve made a friend. A gypsy girl that stood out of place due to her race. I loved my friend, she was the prettiest to me. In her worst times, I groped her and hit her. I’m saying this so you understand that I’m not a good person. Nothing about me is good. I sincerely ask you to not sympathise with me no matter what I write here.
Today, I should have had classes with the new teacher. Due to stress working with a previous teacher, I broke my streak of not smoking and went for buy some cigs to take the edge off. After smoking a single cig I’ve started feeling like a total piece of shit, since I had a bet with my friend.
I logged on Teams and waited for classes.
Some time later, teacher started the meeting and I connected. First thing ever, he started berating me for my profile picture, as it had a wojack with a cig in his mouth. Not a single teacher previously commented anything about it, but he said he wouldn’t even listen to me until I changed it. I started to get stressed and upped the tone of my voice in a response that it isn’t his business, and disconnected.
My brain started thinking that I could handle it, logged back to teams, uploaded a new profile picture, and connected to the call. First thing I see is that my picture did not change at all.
I wanted to ask him to check my exam project, but he started talking over me and continued to berate me for my profile picture as I tried to explain him that I uploaded the new one. I upped the tone of my voice to scream and demanded him to check my project, to which he replied that it is “empty” and he could not see anything in XML files. I asked him, still screaming, that I could show him my screen and explain every single bit of my code, but he refused. Then I tried asking him for errors that he encountered trying to run my project but he literally replied like a chatbot “I can’t help you with that”.
Without knowing what’s wrong, since code compiles and runs on my side, I just went mad with anger, said that he’s a fucking idiot and disconnected. Went to buy alco. Now I’m drunk and writing this.
I’m hoping that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. Because I can’t do this anymore.
I don’t hope for anything. I don’t want anything. I don’t want to make any decision in my life. I don’t want to continue studying there. I don’t want to work at a back breaking factory for the rest of my days, if I quit. I don’t want anyone to read this. I don’t want to kill myself, because I’m scared. But I really do want to kill myself. I just want to end it all. My life has been just a streak of shitty happenings, I can’t control my anger without alco and cigs, I can’t talk to people normally, I cant have a family, I’m not smart to do anything except hard manual labor. Yet I can’t do manual labor for too long because it feels too hard, I start to get stressed and I break things around me out of anger. More often than not, I just break my fists hitting a hard stone wall. I scream and lose hope at every single inconvenience.
I don’t want help. I just want a good reason to kill myself. To end it all. I can’t do this anymore.
Tomorrow I’m going to the psychiatrist. I hope that he puts me in a psych ward for the rest of my life.
I’m not a good person either. I hope you’re taking care of yourself.
I heard someone say recently “I don’t believe in good or evil. I believe in kindness.” I am still trying to detangle myself from the idea of being good. Good is subjective.
We just have to be kind to ourselves, to others. And it’s okay to mess up. We are on this earth indefinitely. This isn’t a video game. We have endless opportunities to try again.
Good luck at the psychiatrist. I hope writing it all out helped you
Hi Daniel. Right now I have a friend — named Daniel — crashing in my apartment on the living room floor. He’s overweight, alcoholic, absentee dad, depressed opiate addict without a penny to his name and in a mountain of debt with no clear prospects for the future. He has some clothes, a phone, and he’s still alive. That’s about it.
Why tell you this? He got up today and keeps going. It’s not pretty and was without fanfare. Don’t know what the future will be. He’s hanging in there. Hope you hang on too.
I’m saying this so you understand that I’m not a good person.
Not everyone is picture perfect, and they too make regrettable mistakes. I know I have plenty of proverbial skeletons in my closet.
You are not alone in how you feel. If you were never taught emotional maturity, then of course it is very difficult to interact with other people on any level; especially when it comes to things like rejection, perceived or otherwise.
There is no “trick” or magical incantation to fix any of this. It takes time and a lot of effort. You will stumble and fall quite often, but that’s okay. Just keep getting back up and dusting yourself off. Eventually you’ll find your groove.
Motivation can be quite difficult too when you feel the way you do. Forgive yourself often for your “mistakes”. Start small, and work your way up with as many little wins as you can muster. Keep in mind, none of this is a race that you must win; go at your own pace and fuck everybody else’s progress. You do you.
I sincerely wish you the best of luck in the coming years. No one should have to go through what you are dealing with. I don’t care how bad of a person you think you are; not even you deserve it.
