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I’ve been waiting weeks for blood test results so I can get started on hrt. They said some of my results were above normal ranges so a dr was going to call me. So I’m freaking out that I’m sick or something and they’ll say I can’t start hormones.
Well it turns out that the nice trans man who did my blood test wow my gender as woman, without making a note that I’m amab and I havent started hrt. So the issue was that the reference levels for my tests were set to cis woman.
So a doctor phones me up and tells me they’re are some worrying numbers on the test results. Then he says “says here your testosterone levels are very very high”.
I’m like “yes I know, that’s the entire fucking problem!”
We laughed about it when we cleared up the misunderstanding but I still don’t have my fucking results so I can’t send them to imago and get on hrt. UK loves to keep you waiting.
Yesterday I was referred to as a young woman by the cashier when getting my groceries. 🥰
Win!
Its been rough but its my own doing. Im so anxious about coming out and its been hard to deal with this week. Also been doubting myself alot, my brain has a way of cutting deep. This week it was trying to convince me that im fake, like i get these extra rough feelings being a “cis straight white male” before that that voice tries to tell me i just want a group to belong too. That im not really this and just looking to be a minority or my own story of oppression.
Its awful, awful ,awful stuff to think about, i hate it. But i also know its not the truth. Decades of these feelings, noone could ever convince me that its not what it is.
Also, might be the only one, but i HATE the idea of coming out to everyone. I feel like if you come over to my place often enough then sure ill have a talk with you. But if i hardly see you? Naw youll find out whenever you see me, im not putting myself through the anxiety and pressure of coming out to absolutely everyone lol
So meh week, some good, mostly bad. Still here still kicking still love you all! Nobody is allowed to Leave i want you all right here where you belong 🥰
Girly, you’re going to make me cry! I’m soooooo sorry to hear you had such a bad week. I think we all have those thoughts and feelings sometimes, I know I do. I’ve question myself every day about this, even when I’m girlmoding and super happy about it. I’ve come out to the people I have because I know them so well and trust them implicitly.
They are my family, blood of the coven is thicker than the water of the womb. There are still a bunch of people in that group who I’m still terrified of telling. I’ll likely never tell any of my relatives save one, who happens to be nonbinary and helped me with my makeup years ago.
In my opinion, you’ve already come out to the most important people: us, your wife, and most importantly yourself. If it takes a little more time for the rest of the world that’s okay. If you set yourself a deadline, maybe lower the requirements of that deadline.
You already went out in nature, risked being seen, that’s a huge step! Maybe start by going to a different city or part of town and going to a movie, nice and safe and dark. I dunno, that’s just my spaghetti on the wall.
Thank you for sharing! We want to be here for you! It helps all of us!
Remember, everyday is a beautiful day, as long as you decide it is, regardless of the weather
Love you
♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡
Yeah! Honestly going somewhere a little away from where i live does help. I think my biggest issue is people who know of me be4 but dont actually know me if that makes sense (think cashiers and the like). It doesnt even make sense to me why i would care at all but those people scare me the most. Its stupid lol
That and my ex. To come out to her would be catastrophically terrifying. I think i might actually have a heart attack if/when that happens lol
Edit: forgot love you too girl! You the best as always ❤️
Really really recommend the book “am I trans enough” by Alo Johnston (tl:dr yes).
Ill look into that for sure! Thanks ☺️
This week had been going well, despite a lot of work. Facial hair turned out to be challenging, I feel like I somehow can’t keep a clean shave for more than 5 minutes. next week’s gonna be exciting, I’ve got to prepare myself for outing myself to my elementary-aged daughter 🥴
My facial hair is driving me crazy. The most motivated cells in my entire body I swear. I’m saving up for laser / electro
Facial hair is the biggest PITA, check out past posts on here or reddit about this, you might get some helpful advice!
Hair creams and waxing hasnt worked for me, im gonna try this sugar paste wax stuff my partner recommended. But as a baseline i use a safety razor with good blades (still trying to find the best ones), a thicker or more lubricating shave cream/soap is very helpful. I start normal, with the grain and all, then 2 more passes; once sideways somewhat with grain, then last pass AGAINST grain. This gets me the closest shave i can muster currently lol.
Also, dont use a ton of pressure, and cream choice is super important. If you do 3 pass, your skin will hate you if you dont use a good cream/soap!
Good luck to you with your journey! Maybe youll learn something i dont know and teach me one day 😁
Thanks for your advice, we’ll see. 😊
Was really great for the most part until last night. Went to see project hail Mary, which was amazing, highly recommend. After leaving the theater, family shit came up and made me disassociatedly depressed. Had to choke down dinner. Feeling somewhat better today, but I’m not looking forward to the coming week. Except therapy on Tuesday, that can not come soon enough.
Hope everyone else is doing well!
♡♡♡Nissa♡♡♡
How do you get therapy appointments that fast 🙈
I’m sorry to hear about the family issue. I bet you’re looking forward to the weekend? I hope next week won’t be too rough on you! ❤️
Oh I’ve been in therapy my whole life, I’ve had regular monthly session with my current therapist since like 2016? I consider myself very lucky, I originally started seeing him for depression and anxiety problems but I remember him also specializing in LGBTQ+ issues.
If you need therapy just start calling people, you’d be surprised how quick you can set something up if you call everyone. Just remember to cancel any appointments you make if you find something sooner or who fits better
It really depends on where you are geographically, but here in oregon its pretty quick from lifeworks, and we have a decent emergency mental health hotline thingy. But its def not this easy everywhere, and also depending on insurance and money.
If you get public assistance (SNAP or ACA/medicare etc) then a great place to start asking for affordable or insurance covered therapy is at your local DHS (department of human services, not the other fascist one(fuck ICE)) ask them, they should have a resource book available for you to take and browse through.
Thats where id start, wishing you lots of luck!
Im sorry to hear this girly 😭 family drama sucks and it sucks to see you going through it.
Thats something i dont miss, not talking to any of my family. I get sad sometimes, then i remember the drama (worse than that but yknow) and suddenly im not so sad lol
nothing in particular has been super eventful, but there is a girl who has been spending a lot of time with us when we eat lunch and so forth as of the week before the last, and who also has the kind of autism where like… she just spends so much time watching stuff on the internet. think like the amazing digital circus. she also has a pet fox and identifies as one (as a therian) herself!! (and yes her fox is cute)
more about that
she is super awesome and adorable but we also have like NO idea how to converse with her “properly”. so much of our interactions are just her showing us stuff or vice-versa, and like, what do you comment out loud?? we really do enjoy it, but it also feels super weird when we just can’t think of anything to fill the air, or when she does not acknowledge (verbally or otherwise) lots of stuff we do say! a lot of the time she just stares, and like her eyes are super pretty, but it is also kinda a guess as to what is in her mind.
this is by no means to knock on her, she is truly great, and we believe her communication style is no lesser than ours. we just are not sure how to engage with such a style is all hehe
oh also on an unrelated note we have decided to build a motorcycle from some stuff we had lying around our garage or the shop, plus whatever stuff we can scavenge for free locally. we’ve designed and built a go kart before, so, surely this couldn’t be that complicated…? :3
Honestly good and bad things?
I did some things I could never imagine doing. Not gonna extend on that. I have now, what I consider a best-friend. That was not something I have made in ages. I’ve been on a guilt-trip too and had a day where dysphoria was a bit over the top and had some intrusive thought. (Not too hard things, no worries about that)
I’m glad you found a bf!
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