I experienced a complicated situation where TPE & 24/7 was turned against me in a way that was exploitative, and left both my finances and career in ruins. This was very difficult to recover from - my family rejected me pretty thoroughly - why did I “let” him do these things to me?
I still struggle a lot with holdovers. Things turned almost culty - for a few months after he kicked me out, I thought it was some kind of “test.” He didn’t even bother uncollaring me when he kicked me out.
I’ve been in therapy for a couple years and have rebuilt some of the smoldering ruins of my life.
I don’t know how to reconcile my desires for submission with maintaining my safety. Realizing that he never loved me and meant the degradation and humiliation has me still fucked up.
But I still crave that promise - I still crave that idea of being owned by another person. It feels like it’s delusional to imagine getting what I want without being hurt again. It helps me function - being able to focus on the needs and happiness of just one person. I could spend hours cleaning for a “good boy” and a pat on the head.
Does anyone have this? Successfully, healthily, with a real respect and maybe even love? It’s fucked my head that my devotion resulted in being left sleeping on a friends couch for months.
Damn this sucks, I’m so sorry. Abuse like this really messes one up.
I personally think kink should never be used in a way where it negatively affects somebody’s career or relationships. That’s something that need agreement on. Is there any way to reconcile with you family (if you even want that)? A career can always be build back up but personal connections are a bit harder.
For me personally (I know it’s not quite the same dynamic) all my D/S or Owner/Pet relationships have been build on top of very strong relationships in the first place. Those are people that I am sure I can trust with my body and life. I know for sure that if they hurt me, it’s because they love me. Build you safety and trust with somebody first before you enter a relationship where this trust is so important.
For me also, someone once outright rejected my proposal of a freeuse relationship, because they didn’t think they would be able to take full responsibility for me like that. This was a huge sign of respect and showed me that this person has my safety higher than their enjoyment, which is a trait you need for these extreme types of relationships.
I hope you’re doing well and will get back out there with time, just always keep your safety in mind first
Yeah, it’s been four months since you posted. But this is such a powerful story I can’t help but respond. I’ve seen some weird TPE stuff in NYC in my day, and I always thought back then this can’t really work long term. 24/7 dynamics need some rules constraining both parties. I mean, even actual Roman and Greek slavery in antiquity had rules, limits to conduct imposed by the state on slave owners. Antebellum chattel slavery was utterly lawless, but I think that was an aberration. Anyway, the point being that relinquishing all control makes for a situation without rules that is ultimately not sustainable.
24/7 dynamics with mechanisms to speak off-dynamic and real appeals processes for when things go awry can still work. But of course you need to connect with someone who’s reasonable and willing to step out of their Dom(me) roles to deal with problems. Aslo, you need a Dom(me) capable of the kind of self-reflection to also call off-dynamic when they’re having trouble too. And there must be rules constraining bad or dangerous conduct.
I mean, I’m sure you get all that. Especially after the horrible experience you detail here. But I wouldn’t tell a vanilla someone to give up on love just because they had a bad divorce either. I’m glad to hear you’ve recovered. And I wish I’d seen this and had an opportunity to respond back when you originally wrote it. I hope you’re doing OK.
It’s hard because I still miss him and love him. It sometimes feels like it would have been easier if he had killed me, if I had died still believing that he loved me.
I went through therapy for a while, but it didn’t really help. I just really need something to replace the relationship - to feel loved and owned again. But finding a good lifestyle dom is really hard. I have a few guys I play with that will pat me on the head, tell me I’m doing a good job - I just need to extend that to other things. It’s so easy to find sex, but that comfort is more fleeting.
It’s tough to find a good relationship too. Add kink and your pool of potential partners shrinks even further. I can’t help but I can sympathize.
