I experienced a complicated situation where TPE & 24/7 was turned against me in a way that was exploitative, and left both my finances and career in ruins. This was very difficult to recover from - my family rejected me pretty thoroughly - why did I “let” him do these things to me?
I still struggle a lot with holdovers. Things turned almost culty - for a few months after he kicked me out, I thought it was some kind of “test.” He didn’t even bother uncollaring me when he kicked me out.
I’ve been in therapy for a couple years and have rebuilt some of the smoldering ruins of my life.
I don’t know how to reconcile my desires for submission with maintaining my safety. Realizing that he never loved me and meant the degradation and humiliation has me still fucked up.
But I still crave that promise - I still crave that idea of being owned by another person. It feels like it’s delusional to imagine getting what I want without being hurt again. It helps me function - being able to focus on the needs and happiness of just one person. I could spend hours cleaning for a “good boy” and a pat on the head.
Does anyone have this? Successfully, healthily, with a real respect and maybe even love? It’s fucked my head that my devotion resulted in being left sleeping on a friends couch for months.
It’s hard because I still miss him and love him. It sometimes feels like it would have been easier if he had killed me, if I had died still believing that he loved me.
I went through therapy for a while, but it didn’t really help. I just really need something to replace the relationship - to feel loved and owned again. But finding a good lifestyle dom is really hard. I have a few guys I play with that will pat me on the head, tell me I’m doing a good job - I just need to extend that to other things. It’s so easy to find sex, but that comfort is more fleeting.
It’s tough to find a good relationship too. Add kink and your pool of potential partners shrinks even further. I can’t help but I can sympathize.