Trigger warning: depression, hopelessness

I don’t want to write too much, because I’m really not feeling good right now. I’m 32, and have Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is a debilitating social anxiety, and have dealt with extreme loneliness, self-hatred, and jealousy toward more socially inclined people for over 15 years.

I have never been on a date, I have never had sex, I have never kissed. Do you know how it feels to have less relationship experience than your average U.S. high school student, to feel like a pathetic piece of shit every single day? AvPD might be for you if you want to.

I have one online friend, and a brother I live with, but I have no in-person friends, and haven’t been part of a friend group in a decade. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to meet people.

To top this off, I am recently out of an online relationship with someone who I gave my entire life savings to help, over $20,000, who turned around and blocked me because I’m hard to deal with. I spent the entire relationship thinking they were scammers, and am still not unconvinced, but either way, I’m down to nothing now.

I have a job, I’ll get back there again, but all my life is work and being home, and I am so, so tired of a ‘life’ where no one cares about me, no one had ever shown interest in me, and now I have no money at all, and am just as pathetic as I’ve always been, and I’m hopeless.

  • Man in the Moon@lemmygrad.ml
    3·
    2 days ago

    Also that was probably a scammer online relationships aren’t real. I’m not real. You can fix most emotional issues with physical health as annoying as that is to say. That is the real expression of self-love. There is no way to fake it. You look at yourself and you see what you did.

    Not to be insensitive but who cares abt being broke if you’re hot and not being tortured to death at the moment

  • -6-6-6-@lemmygrad.mlEnglish
    4·
    3 days ago

    I’ve been in some pretty rough places in life, but that sounds pretty fuckin’ awful and I’m sorry to hear all of this.

    I had a friend who is in pretty much the same boat, which is why I decided to comment. Pretty much a virgin, maybe had a little more experience in other ways but a virgin regardless. They also had a significant amount of savings that they pretty much spent entirely on alcohol and their dad who used him for a wedding and a new car when my friend’s mother passed away. They still struggle with hopelessness to this day. No ideology or way of thinking can address the hole in your heart and the way to deal with it is to find and develop hobbies that smooth over it so you can focus on other aspects in your life than the pain.

    Me and him got into Warhammer, we got into tabletop RPGs, Magic: The Gathering. All the nerdy hobbies. I personally got into grognard tabletops with civil war and napoleonic figurines because I like painting them. These help distract you from the pain in life and you can find other people interested in these hobbies and meet them that way. That’s the best advice I can give; find something like that you love even if it’s weird as shit or a hobby. In the case of my hobbies, get a 3d-printer!

  • opiumfree@lemmygrad.mlEnglish
    51·
    3 days ago

    1. relationships and sex often bring more trouble than benefits to life, sorry to say… those high schoolers having sex are not happy at all and those relationships rarely last into adulthood. even then, they’re likely to end very horribly even if you do love each other deeply at a point. at some point you have to accept that. with that being said its definitely not over and you can find a person even now and it will often be a more fulfilling relationship

    2. as for making friends, it really depends here. in the US (if you do live there) its not encouraged to make friends at work but in other countries its expected and even normal. it’s the blind leading the blind here because i also dont have many friends but i’ve heard that going to concerts is really good and you can make friends online and meet them irl if that makes it easier.

    3. you dont really mention your financial goals here or if u have any debt. it’s good to save some money but don’t forget to enjoy the money u made as well.

    4. u have a community here and i do care bc ure our comrade now

    • Soviet Pigeon@lemmygrad.ml
      3·
      3 days ago

      in the US (if you do live there) its not encouraged to make friends at work

      For real? Why? You work with this people together, you talk and maybe share something about your life. You may find common hobbies and more. At my last workplace a befriended someone fast and invited him home to show my pigeons and eat something. You spend so much time at work. I mean I know coworkers who got married. And its not uncommon that the friendship continues even when you switch the workplace

  • ksdhf@lemmygrad.ml
    2·
    3 days ago

    As cliche and cheesy as it sounds you need to learn to love yourself before others can love you. It sounds like you are self isolating as a form of self sabotage and self punishment. You need to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say “I have a right to exist”. When you are out in public and feel insecure you need to say to yourself “I have a right to be here, this is my space like everyone elses”. You are not a criminal, you have done nothing wrong and you don’t owe anyone anything especially money. I struggle with avoidance as well and what helps me is to book appointments or tickets to events to force me to go. Unlike going for a walk in the park which I can do any time so I put it off and never do it. If you start going outside you will build up your confidence and meet new people.