Trigger warning: depression, hopelessness
I don’t want to write too much, because I’m really not feeling good right now. I’m 32, and have Avoidant Personality Disorder, which is a debilitating social anxiety, and have dealt with extreme loneliness, self-hatred, and jealousy toward more socially inclined people for over 15 years.
I have never been on a date, I have never had sex, I have never kissed. Do you know how it feels to have less relationship experience than your average U.S. high school student, to feel like a pathetic piece of shit every single day? AvPD might be for you if you want to.
I have one online friend, and a brother I live with, but I have no in-person friends, and haven’t been part of a friend group in a decade. I don’t know how to talk to people, I don’t know how to meet people.
To top this off, I am recently out of an online relationship with someone who I gave my entire life savings to help, over $20,000, who turned around and blocked me because I’m hard to deal with. I spent the entire relationship thinking they were scammers, and am still not unconvinced, but either way, I’m down to nothing now.
I have a job, I’ll get back there again, but all my life is work and being home, and I am so, so tired of a ‘life’ where no one cares about me, no one had ever shown interest in me, and now I have no money at all, and am just as pathetic as I’ve always been, and I’m hopeless.
As cliche and cheesy as it sounds you need to learn to love yourself before others can love you. It sounds like you are self isolating as a form of self sabotage and self punishment. You need to wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and say “I have a right to exist”. When you are out in public and feel insecure you need to say to yourself “I have a right to be here, this is my space like everyone elses”. You are not a criminal, you have done nothing wrong and you don’t owe anyone anything especially money. I struggle with avoidance as well and what helps me is to book appointments or tickets to events to force me to go. Unlike going for a walk in the park which I can do any time so I put it off and never do it. If you start going outside you will build up your confidence and meet new people.