I get this a lot from babies. It’s baldness. Babies love baldness.

You don’t have to guard it. It grows when you share it.

Dogs and cats love me. I have literally had a wild bird land on my outstretched finger like I’m a motherfucking Disney princess up in this removed.

But white babies cry when they see me, a 6 foot 1, 240 pound Native American man with long brown hair, enter their peripheral vision.

Like, I love white people. I’ve been raised around them my entire life, but white babies hate me.

Brown babies do not. Black babies do not.

But white babies, fucking, it shatters their world, it ruins their universe for me to exist and for them to become aware of it.

Animals love me. Babies love me. I don’t love babies, so it makes it awkward when the parents try to start interacting with me about their kid.

I must be a freaking karma lighthouse then.

Animals love me, but at 5’5 (shorter than my wife) and Asian, I just get confused looks from most babies.

Also at least twice young kids at the store have told me that I should be the mommy because I’m shorter than my wife - much to the horror of their parents who apologize and quickly run away.

One kid asked me why my eyes were so squinty. Again, to the horror of the parents.

While I get really annoyed at these comments, the extreme horror and dropped-jaw and panic the parents’ have totally make up for it. It’s hilarious watching them stammer out an apology and yank their kid’s arm down the quickest next aisle as possible.

Well, shit, that explains it! Cats too!

I read this as “fragrance” at first and thought maybe I had a particular smell that set babies and dogs at ease around me. Kinda like how pheromones can unconsciously draw people to one another.

Cats give me sideways glances of respect and allow me to pet them. Possums give me a knowing look. We’ve all glazed into the void and don’t know what to do with that information.

Also, babies are the best! I never imagined that I’d love babies as much as I do. But damn… Do I love babies! Especially around six months, but three months is also awesome! We can just chill at the wedding while mom and dad get to dance or rest or whatever!

And if not, carrying a fragment of sacred sausage will at least get the dogs attention.

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i have the opposite of whatever that is

[Playful] Ah, so it’s who you stole it. Whelp time for us to go get it back…

Dogs bark at me.

babies yes, dogs no? what does that make me