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Mildly okay. I got back from a rehab retreat and I’m feeling better health wise, but not much better emotionally since the whole reason I relapsed was because I was doomscrolling and ended up getting really scared as an enby in a progressively more queerphobic world which wants to hurt me and take my rights away. It’s depressing and also really scary.
Had a good week, work was okay, correction on my nose job went well without any issues and not even having to wait very long. I got rejected for a job I applied to but it would’ve meant a move so I’m not that bothered about it. Applied to appear on stage at a radical pride event and was rejected as well, which bums me out more than the job haha. Have been talking to some people for stage appearances and readings and am very busy preparing new stories and texts for upcoming open calls! Otherwise, next week I have my first appointment concerning SRS, looking forward and a bit afraid something goes wrong with insurance or something else I didn’t predict.
It was ok, i just feel I’m not making much progress on my questionning like previous weeks. At times I feel like my transition is miles away, or like a fantasy. But I imagine myself as a girl and i feel strong gender euphoria so… I guess i’m making steps in the right direction. I just don’t know what to do next.
I ordered makeup on amazon tho, can’t wait to try it
I just don’t know what to do next.
I’m curious whether you mean in terms of transition, or questioning? It kind of sounds like you already know what you want to do?
Questionning, i guess ? Sorry if I’m being confusing, it’s just that I’m confused… This is all new to me .-.
To put some context I live with roomates and although I told them I might experiment some things like makeup, it still takes some “social effort” to really do it. Like dressing up, I wouldn’t know where and how to start…
On top of that, I still have some kind of impostor syndrom for some reason. The dissonance is tyring, so I just lie in bed, try to read frieren and play caves of qud
No worries! Figuring yourself out is hard and there’s no rush. It just sounded like you knew you wanted to transition, but were waiting for some kind of confirmation. Sorry if I’m mistaken.
May I share an anecdote?
Where I live, you need a Gender Incongruence diagnosis for clinics to prescribe you HRT. Last year I went to my appointment and chatted with the doctor for half an hour or so. We talked about how I felt I’d be happy living as a woman, but I always felt I needed to try to be a man (since everyone told me that’s what I was); I told him about how I felt something was missing from my life and wanted to transition, and how I’d started DIY HRT. He happily issued me with an official diagnosis that read (roughly) “this person considers themself to be a woman, and has a strong desire to transition socially and medically”.
I felt terrible, like I’d tricked this doctor into giving me a diagnosis I didn’t deserve, when all I really wanted was to get feminizing HRT. But I went and got the prescription anyway :3
Looking back now it’s really funny, but at the time I still hadn’t figured out that wanting to be a woman really is the same thing as being a woman. The hardest part of transitioning (so far) has been allowing myself to say “I’m a trans woman” and believe it.
Anyway, good luck with your exploration.
Thank you for your answer :)
I have read that any trans person is confronted with some kind of impostor syndrom at some point, your anecdote proves that to be true ! I do feel like I trick people/myself at times because I don’t feel 100% dysphoria all the time, although I do feel euphoria almost always when I picture myself as a woman. I’ve read that it’s normal, feelings come and go… I suppose since I’m feeling confused, I’m looking for some certainty somewhere :P
See you next week I guess haha I think it’s cool to talk about it in this thread, even to put words on how I feel
- I dyed my hair and painted my nails and now my bigot mother FINALLY stopped talking to me, BC I’m not the (and I quote) “man she rose me to become.”
- needless to say, I am VERY happy. Had I known this would have happened, I would have delved into cosmetics a LOT sooner.
- edit: no idea how to do line breaks on jerboa so that’s why I’m using bullets.
That’s sad but also hilarious. Glad you’re happy about it, anyway.
The workweek was meh, but I went to a local pride festival yesterday and followed it up today with a topless hike with some local furries in a nice secluded canyon. I’m very happy to be getting a lot of sun this summer, turns out that a bit of a tan makes me sexy as hell. =3
It’s been okay. I made the mistake of drinking apple juice (I know, how dare I???) and my IBS has flared up like nothing else. I’ve only just gotten to a point where I’m not running to the toilet, after a week. Ugh. IBS sucks arse.
you first
More fitness goodness. I put serjous time into doing weights after cardio and ow bicep curls OW. It hurts to fully extend my elbows since i woke up saturday. Hoping its a fair bit better when i wake up tomorrow/today (like 2 am where im at)
Looked in a mirror earlier aaaaand oh god the hair thinning. Why tf do i keep procrastinating getting put on something for my hair…
