Hi Dad, this is hard for me to say, & I know it might be hard for you to hear, but I hate myself. I don’t like the person I’ve grown into, & it’s not because of anything you did wrong in fact, it’s the opposite. You gave me a good childhood. You were present, supportive, & loving. You helped me through school, college, my relationship, & advice for getting a good job. On paper I am doing well but I don’t feel that way. I tried to do everything right but I still can’t shake the hate I have for myself. That hatred that used to motivate me now just a heavy weight. I’m so quick to give up. I feel tired all the time, like I’m running on empty, even when I’m doing nothing. And the worst part is I can’t seem to push through it, even when I know something might make me feel better, I don’t have the energy or will. I just feel stuck doing things I don’t really enjoy since they don’t require any energy to do. I hate that part of me. For me, when things get hard, I now stall & I hate that about myself. I guess I’m reaching out because I want to understand how you’ve kept going. How have you always gotten up when you’ve felt miserable. I feel like you gave me so much potential & I’ve squandered it.
It’s been a year since you opened up. Just following up to hear how are you now ? Sending support and good vibes.
It’s been a mixed bag. Some ups, some downs.
My relationship with my long-term partner has definitely suffered quite a bit from my malaise. I am doing my best to repair what was damaged from my lacking. She definitely helped me through a lot of the hardship and put aside some of her issues to help me through mine. She’s not suffering like I was, but that’s no reason to let her carry it all like she has been. I just hope I can be enough to improve her life in the same way she makes mine brighter.
On the working front, I was certain my current position was a dead end that made me miserable. I increased how many jobs I was applying to at night and committed to sending out at least 25 applications each month. I got plenty of interviews but never an offer, for almost 10 months. My motivation would come in waves, but I kept striving to do better each time. Eventually I ended up quitting after 9 months of this. I increased my pace of job applications, knowing I had 6 months to rely solely on my savings before I’d have to take a non-engineering position to pay the bills. I got to month four and was sweating bullets before I landed my current position. It’s not perfect, but my coworkers and boss actually seem to care for each other. It’s a demotion in terms of what I’m doing, but I see a path forward for what I could do here.
During my job search, I ended up applying for the robotics teacher position at my old high school. I got second place, but they created an assistant coach position for me to help out the team this upcoming year. I’m honestly so excited, I started seeing a therapist, and it was okay. I’m not entirely sure what it did, but maybe it will help later and I just can’t realize it yet. I stopped when I quit my last job and just started again last week with a new one. I’m not sure I mesh with this guy, but I’m willing to give it a try. I might also try seeing a few others to find someone who clicks.
I just finished a massive biography that took me forever to get through. I feel so satisfied, and I really enjoyed the new perspective I have after doing a deep dive.
Mentally, I still feel tired and am still struggling with a lack of motivation. I’m just trying to keep moving, but some days are easier than others.
The self-hate is still there. I don’t like who I am, but I can at least see someone I could become whom I do like. I guess I could see it before, but it felt like a mockery of who I was in the moment. Hopefully, one day I’ll have the wisdom of Iroh. For now, I’ll work on figuring out what’s best for the moment at hand.
I really appreciate all the comments on this post. They helped me, at a low point, realize I wasn’t as trapped as I felt in that moment.
If I were your parent,I would be sooooo proud of you!!! Really! If my child had been there you were year ago and have done what you did during this time, I would be sooo satisfied I raised a strong human! Speaking about better mood ,energy and motivation ( this is my personal experience), when I was really down and hardly could get out of the bed, someone told me about supplements. I had to do a bit of research and find out about ashwaganda ( there are many types, tried couple and was not effective, but with high dose of it and black pepper worked wonderfully). I had very stressful period and my nerve system was triggered by small things, so I used certain type of magnesium and omega 3. This combination helped me really a lot. Not suggesting to take them, just inviting to do a bit od digging. Not always blood tests showing lack of minerals ect. And congratulations on biography!!! That is awesome that you did it!!! Always remember, you are not alone!!!