cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/25065914

I’ll never be more than a fetish to people

Mods, please lmk if this post is not appropriate for this community

My dream is to have someone—anyone—see me as more than just a friend. To have someone who wants me, in more than just a sexual way. That dream haunts me.

The only attention I receive is from Grindr. I see my worth as how much I can starve myself to stay thin. I figure at least if I’m petite, pervs online will want to use me as part of their fetish. I oblige them because they desire me in those fleeting moments. After they get what they want, they never contact me again. That is my value as a person.

I’m so insecure, so unconfident. I see people like my best friend, who can get any guy she wants without even trying, and I have only envy and resentment. What’s worse, I think I have feelings for her, unrequited love that will only serve to hurt more as she explores her new life as a single woman. I don’t think even she sees me as a woman, but as a feminine man who lies to himself in the mirror each day. A pretender.

I don’t even try anymore. What’s the fucking point?

Clearly I’m not in a good place mentally/emotionally. I’m tired of therapy; it has not helped me. I feel like a failure in almost all aspects of my life. I can’t even get high anymore, so now on particularly bad days I drink instead. Today I’m getting drunk. I don’t care to tell anyone IRL how I really feel these days. It’s just a waste of breath on my part, and a waste of time on their’s. No one I care about wants to hear about my problems, feelings and fears anymore. It’s best to accept this bitter reality—better to be the funny person than to share my internal struggles and profound sadness.

I’ve got my son, and he is going to venture out into the world on his own in a matter of a few years. Then I will truly feel alone. His love is what keeps me on this earth, nothing else.

  • JigglySackles@lemmy.worldEnglish
    1·
    18 hours ago

    I wish I had better advice for you than what I’ll put here. I have Bipolar 2 as well. The lows get so fucking low sometimes. My kids hold me here too some days.

    I tried to get medicated as well, but after going through about 6 and feeling like a different person each month for each med, I was completely done. The last straw was having a full on panic attack while on the meds. I had to call my wife home from time with her friend to take over the kids because I couldn’t be around them. I am going to leave out the details, but it was scary.

    Since then I’ve been raw dogging this mental illness into the dirt. It’s not easy but it’s better than the meds. Also therapy never did jack shit for me. I don’t have trauma and other shit to talk out. I just have fits of ‘big sad’. Can’t talk that shit out.

    So my advice, and it’s going to suck to try, especially if you are introverted, find a community you can be involved in. Find a way to meet people not on dating apps that have the same interests as you. You want to find people that will love you for you, find a place to meet those that are already picking up what you’re putting down.

    Second advice is find a way to be happy with no one. When you are happy, even with no one, others will see that and be drawn to it. You can more easily find someone interested in you, and therefore more willing to invest in you, if you can learn to accept yourself and enjoy yourself.

    Third advice, do something to improve yourself. If it’s eating healthier so you aren’t a waif, try that. If it’s gym time, do that. If it’s reading more do that. Learn a skill, pick up a hobby, find ways to occupy the time you have with yourself.

    Being idle makes my BP2 shift into overdrive. I have to find ways to fight it by engaging in my own life. Finding someone to love you won’t fix that. It won’t fix you. And it’s not fair to ask someone else to fix you. The best you can do is find someone you can be honest with, and that will respect that part of you and let you lean on them as you let them lean on you.

    Hope this wasn’t preachy or finger wagging. I hate typing on my phone and this felt like writing war and peace, but I want you to know, you aren’t as alone as you tell yourself. You aren’t as hopeless or helpless as you tell yourself. You matter, you are enough, you have a difficult condition, and you have the strength to work with it, you just need to find the courage, and that comes from doing and trying when you don’t want to do or try. You won’t always succeed, accept that now, but be ready to give yourself another chance and try again.

    I love you as a fellow denizen of this fucked up world, and as a person that shares the same struggles. We can do it. You can do it. I’m sorry it’s hard right now. The lows can be so terrible. But please stay with us.