First…I am NOT an anti-meds person, but I don’t believe that everyone should just be on them. My friend has schizophrenia and absolutely needs her meds. It’s scary when she’s off them because of how negatively it impacts her life.
I called out of work one day due to having an issue and in desperation made a same day appointment with a psych NP. I was surprised at how immediate and quick she was to be like “hey sure yeah you can try meds if you want”. They diagnosed me with the generic “depression and anxiety” and when from there.
Well the NP immediately quit after that and they transferred me to a new NP, who has continued to prescribe different meds for me. I also recently started therapy.
With the first med I tried (an SSRI), I continued to have my episodes, so I initially thought it had zero effect. In retrospect, I do think it slightly lowered my anxiety (but not enough to really do anything). Coming off them was unpleasant and I had another episode that may have threatened my job. I’m not sure if the episode was related to the med reduction or not.
My NP specifically stated that I do NOT have bipolar disorder, but that she wanted to try lamotrigine with me. I have been slowly over many months titrating up to my therapeutic goal dose and reached it a couple weeks ago.
She also recently prescribed me PRN propranolol which I also don’t know if it has any effect. I very rarely get panic attacks. My NP’s idea was that if I have a stressful that happen that day to take it so I am theoretically less inclined to have an outburst of some sort later. Again, I’m not sure if this is really doing anything for me. I don’t notice an effect.
I know propranolol is preventative instead of used during or after, but I can’t always predict when a trigger may occur.
My episodes generally begin with a trigger. So if there are no triggers, I have minimal/no issues. The triggers are not 24/7 and there are sometimes many weeks in between. So how tf am I supposed to tell if the medication does anything???
My issue: extreme negative emotions/spiraling generally tied to a trigger; can cause me want to self harm or do dangerous things, can sometimes cause outbursts at work which threaten work interpersonal relationships and my job. For the most part, my episodes occur outside of work and I am usually (but obviously not always) able to keep it together). So it can be very distressing and unpleasant to live with…but again it’s not 24/7.
Sorry that was long!!!
Yeah there is a theme.
What happens is that I have periods of high energy low mood and low energy low mood.
The high energy low mood states involve things like distress, frustration, rage directed inward, impulsivity, urges to self harm, etc. These episodes are the most damaging to the self, my workplace, and my relationships.
Sometimes when I am in a high energy high mood state, a trigger can actually cause me to rapidly switch into a high energy high mood state.
In the low energy states, they are still extremely painful, but not really dangerous to the self. Sometimes I get in states where it actually feels physically difficult to move. Even getting out of a chair feels impossible like I am paralyzed or have 50 lb weights scattered across my body. Sometimes I end up sleeping excessively during these phases.
In between, I am totally normal!
Maybe it sounds similar to it, but I do NOT meet the criteria for bipolar disorder. I do NOT meet the criteria for hypomania, my “episodes” are almost always caused by triggers, and most of them are not long enough in duration to meet the criteria (although sometimes the low energy low mood states can last a few weeks). If rejection is reverted, the negative mood state can be relatively quickly relieved.
I also have significant baseline anxiety, but I’ve always been that way ever since I was a kid. The distressing and damaging parts to me are the mood episodes, not generally the anxiety (but it can be disabling sometimes). It is possible that some of my “episodes” might be triggered by anxiety.
I was wondering! Your initial account really resonated with me, like something I could have written myself. The only confirmation I needed was if we had the same triggers, which we do. You react just like me too.
For my entire life, I’ve been extremely sensitive to rejection (and criticism, which is really just a type of rejection). Comments that could be perceived as criticism, no matter how implausible or nonsensical that criticism which be, would make me feel stressed or cause a sudden jolt of panic. Real criticism would cause me to stress and fret for hours or days, until I could appease the critic or fix the issue, even if it really wasn’t an issue and they were just manipulating me. Direct rejection, like being turned down for a date, a breakup, being passed over for a job or recognition, or someone telling me they simply don’t like me, would send me into an emotional tailspin for hours, days, or weeks. If any of this came from someone I cared about or was about something I was particularly sensitive about, it was so much worse.
I can tell you what causes it for me and what I’ve done in the hope it might help you, and feel free to ask any questions about anything. Literally anything. I know how awful this can feel, how it can make you feel like life is so unstable and you’re turning into a crazy person that just can’t cope. I really want you to find your way out of this, because you deserve to feel safe and empowered.
I’ll keep this part shorter (for me, I talk a lot) and let you ask for any details you might like. You’re welcome to message me if you want to take anything out of public view.
High level: I have hella ADHD as well as Complex PTSD from childhood emotional abuse and neglect.
ADHD comes with all sorts of fun issues beyond attention and motivation.
CPTSD largely manifests as a suite of unhealthy coping mechanisms and deep-seated beliefs developed as a child due to my parents’ mistreatment of me. These center around having difficulty asserting my needs , issues with self worth, and a drive to seek the validation and acceptance I didn’t receive as a child.
Both are being handled with medication, therapy, a shit ton of self-help books, and a gradually building collection of coping strategies and behavioral changes, like starting meditation, calendars and to-do lists, explaining my situation to loved ones so they understand and know how to react if I flip out, little letters and reminders I write for myself while stable to read in times of instability, etc.
I could write more, but it’s already a ton. If you want to know anything, fire away!