CW - Mentions of: Dysphoria, SA, PTSD, graphic violent descriptions.

Greetings people, this is my first post ever on lemmy. I’m not going to be extensive about my experiences that led to me getting bottom surgery, because I could write the entire novel about how I was manipulated onto getting it.

I’m from Argentina. 3 years ago, I was sexually abused by a chaser, it was horrible, I developed PTSD and, though I’ve never been diagnosed as schizophrenic, had delusions, feeling things that weren’t there, I remember feeling things that terrified me, I started hating being trans, began having thoughts of mutilating my body, so I began to look into Bottom Surgery, I was due to be operated on 2 months after my first (and only) timeI ever saw my surgeon, after many many emails, I got it to 6 months. My surgeon handled things poorly, he rushed me into surgery, constantly threatened me not to ever operate on me should I cancel in a time-frame of 2 months. Plus my parents were constantly threatening to disown me, send me to the street and cancel my Social Insurance (key part of being able to actually get operated on for little to no cost). My surgeon lied to me many many times, and skipped several key procedures, my psychiatrist told him that doing surgery was putting my own life at risk about a month ago, he still went foward with it. Given he’s the most prestigious surgeon in the country (stating to have operated on 1300 trans people), the thought of never being able to access him terrified me. I won’t go into many details, but he told me that losing sensitivity with his methods was practically impossible. My parents were on the verge of disowning me, my friends were TOO supportive, they knew my psychiatrist was saying I SHOULD NOT DO IT, they still encouraged me to operate on myself, telling me they knew other trans women who were made so much happier because of it and that regret rates were less than 1% (It is actually 2% for trans women I believe). Given that I was in a psychotic state, I could not see for myself how insane it all was. A month later, a huge chunk of flesh began to come out of my vagina until it finally fell off. Two months after the surgery, I was locked up in a psyche ward, after that, my sensitivity would not return, I felt nothing when touching my clitoris, ten months later, I began to fully regret it. My surgeon blamed the loss of sensitivity on me and told me that there was nothing he could do (inspite of telling me that the surgery could technically be reversed and that all issues that arised could be operated upon). Should anyone want proof of this, I can show it.

I didn’t even get into how I was drugged, how I trusted strangers to take care of me in a hotel on another city, physically beaten and began to consider mutilitation after surgery. I could write blocks of text that would rival the word count of Disco Elyisium from all of this.

Please don’t see my story as disencouraging for anyone that is suffering from bottom dysphoria, but please please don’t do what I did, I was so afraid that I’d never get a shot at it ever again, that I became desperate to the point I threw all rationality out of the window. Take your time, if your surgeon tells you it’s reversible, don’t believe them (unless they specifically offer to do a penile preserving surgery, my surgeon did not tell me this was possible). Don’t do it out of a desire to be CIS, but to have a vagina. I did not see any appeal in having a vagina, all I wanted was to erase any trace that I was trans.

It’s been 2 years since I got bottom surgery, and I’m 90% sure that I want to go back to having a penis (won’t operate myself until I’m 99% sure), but phalloplasties are limited, they would not restore sensitivity, would not look great and would be terribly dangerous to operate on scared tissue. But I’ve read about regenerative medicine, and how it’s still in very very early stages, that the first lab-grown penises trials have ocurred in the US and that phalloplasties are advancing a LOT. Been wondering, is it realistic to have an ‘ok’ penis in 5-10 years after having a vaginoplasty? Could I ever be considered for experimental surgery?

I want to make 3 things very clear,

1. I am NO detransitioner, I’m proud as hell for being trans, I do not wish to have been born a CIS Girl any day of the week.
2. I am NOT interesting in fixing my vagina. I do not shave there because it looks horrible, feeling nothing down there at all every day of my life is something that makes me break down into tears or fists of rage. If I was forced to pick between a sensitive vagina or a non-sensitive penis, I would choose the latter.
3. I would NOT operate any time soon, I wanna take my time, if I was forced to choose to revert my surgery tomorrow or never. I would choose never. I want to have hope for the long term. I want to start using strap-ons and packers amd see how I feel about it. MINIMUM would need to be 4 years.