Like there is never comments that even attempts to be like: “Okay here’s what you can do to try to mend the relationship…”
I feel like there’s a conspiracy that the internet is trying to break up as many relationships (and by “relationship” I don’t just mean romance) as possible so people are more isolated and therefore those who rule the world can more easily solidify their control…
There are a few contributing factors:
- Posts asking for this kind of advice always come from people who either did not do anything wrong in the interactions they are describing, or think they did not. Either way they will not offer a fair description of events, which means the readers will be primed to think they are entirely in the right and victimised for no reason by the other party, which is something that does warrant separation over reparation.
- There is a general culture of disposability, especially in the US, around everything, not just relationships. You need only check the level of repairability of appliances over the decades to see it in practice, and the mindset extends to most things. Employees don’t work how you want them to? Fire and get new ones, phone broke? Trash it and get a new one, issues with your partner? you get the picture.
- In your specific case, @DeathByBigSad@sh.itjust.works, you have a tendency to ask a lot of questions about your mental health and perceived shortcomings, and their relationship with your extremely sheltered, unorthodox upbringing, while also being extremely adamant not to do anything to change the relationship you have with your parents. Not to mention the stuff you routinely write in OffMyChest. Do not be surprised, when you bring these connections to the table, that people tell you to distance yourself, since you can also clearly see there is a toxic element to that relationship.
People are selfish. When you ask the internet what to do they will tell the most selfish thing possible and say “fuck whoever it hurts you need to look after yourself”
Lots of questions about relations on social media are coming up when someone is at or close to wits end. So a lot of those questions get answered with recommendation of a separation.
Selection bias.
Feels like I’m going against the grain of the other comments, but let me try to justify it. A lot of people are in bad relationships and are being treated poorly without realizing it. Letting someone know that something is a red flag might be the first step in them becoming aware that their partner is abusive. There’s no “mending” a narcissist.
That being said, a post will only ever give you a sliver of the whole story, which is why Internet relationship advice isn’t really reliable.
There’s a few big things to keep in mind.
- The people coming to random strangers on the Internet for help are more likely at a last resort level in the first place. They want permission or validation to end things.
- You only get one side of a story, which oftentimes makes things seem worse than they are. Any advice based on that is going to be more extreme. It’s difficult to impossible to figure out additional context that could change the circumstances.
- Relationships are based on communication, it’s a bit of a red flag to be asking a lot of these questions to random strangers in the first place. The poster is also likely a toxic influence that the other person doesn’t need in their life.
Because it’s very easy for someone emotionally detached to say that. A random commenter can say dump them and move on with their day. For OP that means letting go of an emotionally loaded aspect of their life and suffering through the heartbreak that comes with that for a while.
I imagine it’s because a lot of the relationship posts are outrageous tales of betrayal, violence, or gas lighting.
I have a sneaking suspicion a lot of the posts there are just engagement bait anyway.
As a long time reader of the subreddits where this sort of advice is posted, sure, some commenters fall back on this advice, which requires no thought and is very easy to consider when you’re not at all involved, however the top responses are almost always well thought out perspectives on the relationship.
If this question is about your parents and how they treat you though, which I’m considering based on your post history, I’m afraid you’re going to find there’s nothing you can do to change them, and that putting distance between them and yourself is your only pathway to minimizing that negativity in your life.
I’ll add that adding distance is the only thing he can do that has a possibility of changing his parents
How much of your life do you want to spend around people who make you unhappy? Generally, you can’t change other people, so if you’re unhappy enough to be posting about your relationship online for random people to comment on, you should at least consider cutting your losses and freeing yourself to find relationships that you actively enjoy being part of.
My favorite is the stupidly hard line around cheating. Shit happens, relationships are complicated, it’s not an ultimate deal/trust breaker. I’ve had it happen to me and I’m still with them and we trust each other. I also realized there were needs of hers I was not fulfilling, so it wasn’t just her fault.
It makes me wonder if these are the same people that couldn’t handle adoption or someone else’s kid because it’s not “theirs”, rather than looking at it that a kid just needs a loving family.
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Yeah it’s crazy some of the stories I’ve seen about how a guy doesn’t consider his step kids his own even though he’s raised them since birth. Or find out that the kid wasn’t his due to a mix up of infidelity. Or says that he could never love an adopted child “because it’s not his blood running through their veins”.
Im floored too that quite a few guys think this way, and I’ve heard it from their mouths. I’m very much “blood does not a family make”. But these people think you have to have some chromosomal relation to feel a bond.
Thanks for the nice reply.
I am sorry I worded my comment so harshly, it was not my finest moment.
I was agitated from another thing in my life and lashed out randomly, I am sorry.I had since deleted it and hoped it was never seen.
I am very much with you on the topic at hand, blood does not necessarily make great families and great families can be made without blood relations.
You’re good. No worries
A lot of people post poor relationships in these places. I am not sure if all of them are real, but the real ones are certainly looking for help and not able to speak to the people around them for whatever reason. In the end we don’t owe anyone a relationship, even a familial one. “Give them a chance, they just made a mistake don’t throw your whole relationship away over (infidelity, abuse, etc), but they’re family” are pretty common and annoying because they make people stay in situations where they are clearly unhappy and are potentially being harmed. If people want to leave, there is no shame in that. It’s annoying on the internet because there is certainly a large amount of bot posts mixed in with real people who need help. Or people who describe horrible abuse and then defend their abusers…feels like rage bait.
There has been a lot of great responses in this thread that are spot on …BUT…
I was a social worker for a long time and you would be amazed how many therapist I worked with who pretty much refused to do couple’s counseling. The reasoning, typically the couple either collectively or individually are just looking for a “Permission” to end it.
My hunch is they were using that as an excuse when the reality was they were terrified of doing couple’s therapy because it’s really hard
All therapy is hard.
You’re correct, but I meant from the therapist’s perspective. Couples therapy is real easy to go sideways
Sounds like an easy job in that case, no?
Granted, when I was in bad relationships before, I posted about it online when I wanted permission to end it, too.
Stop going on r/relationshopadvice
That sub has been incredibly toxic for years, probably since its creation
It’s also chock full of bots making up fake stories.
There is a very narrow margin of people online. Most are in bad circumstances or have poor social skills. Some of us have both.
In these posts, people talk only about the problem, not about all the great things they do together. At the same time they may post pics of an awesome couple on instatok and get totally different comments
