Also the dudes who say " i’m can fuck all day, everyday!!", then they meet a woman who can actually fuck all day. They will be looking like the Creepshow ghoul by weeks end.
As a guy whose kinks are more in the realm of fantasy scenarios and not bdsm, I kind of get it.
More than happy to meet perverted women. We can like different things without running away though. I am pretty vanilla but I support whoever being as kinky as you want.
I’m not perverted, I just want to tie you up, suspend you in the air, and have my way with you
I’m not perverted, I just want to be tied up, suspended up in the air, and let you have your way with me
I feel like a lot of straight men, self-proclaimed perverted or otherwise, fetishize virginity and a general lack of their partner having their own experiences, and a perverted woman runs rather contrary to that. It’s a lot of patriarchal power expectations.
Matching freaks is hard.
Kink is a spectrum, and I haven’t been exploring it for a few years, but from what I remember, the various communities of kink are always mismatched.
There are always more straight-sub-men than there are straight-dom-women. This compounds when you realize that usually those sub men are looking for certain types of play that the doms aren’t into. Dommy mommies and such.
Like, I think of the feminization community. It’s hard to find people who like feminization, but DON’T also like cuck play, or race-cuck play, which to me is gross but is a major aspect of that community for many.
Non-binary and Lesbians seemed to do okay though. At least in my city.
I agree with most of the comments and sentiments in this thread. Being a male switch I’ve seen all sides of things and the bad actors abound regardless of declared genders.
The big line between pleasure subs and service doms is a large one. Getting bound up and teased and used is a far cry from being someone’s table or maid.
Media definitely sets a lot of bad expectations but occasionally one strikes gold and the magic makes you not give up.
Yeah, as a lesbian sub I’ve noticed one big problem facing straight male subs is a lot of dominant women interested in men get burnt out of the community by bad experiences pretty quickly.
I think it’s partly that yeah ime a lot of dominant straight women are looking for someone masculine, competent, and submissive, while the men tend to be looking more for degradation and caretaking, and neither group seems to be great at finding compromise, and the men often don’t notice what the women are looking for.
But also, bad subs abound. And it’s not just men. I used to switch, but bad experience not related drove me away from it, and around the time I was considering dominance again a submissive woman violated my boundaries to the point IDK if I’ll ever be comfortable domming again. I’ve watched other women have similar experiences with one friend have a string of male subs make her decide to look for submissive men in the non kink scene.
And yeah, what I’ve seen of the feminization types is a real mix of yikes and eggs. Even if I were into men, domming, and feminization I’d be hesitant to get into that can of worms.
What’s a bad sub or dom if I may ask
Be spesific
Being specific is hard because it’s just a category of being a bad partner, and as such there’s plenty of ways to do it lol.
I’ll start by giving a quick overview on how to be a good kink partner: respect boundaries and know your own, communicate and listen, build skills appropriate for your role and interests (you can learn more by talking to people into that interest in the community, especially in the other role, and learning both sides even if you only want to do one is encouraged), know what you want and don’t want, but be open to what you’re not sure about, and in general just try to see everyone in the community as full people, not just as [role]. And for that last one, I really can’t emphasize enough how much better you come off if you have friends across roles and genders, but also the people you’re compatible with are just people, don’t put them into their role until you’ve discussed it and agreed to it.
A lot of the worst experiences involve people who have personality disorders that aren’t sufficiently dealt with for relationships to be a good idea. All of the really bad subs I was thinking of in my comment had borderline personality disorder and had not undergone dbt. They were all also kinda looking for a partner to fix them. But also the domme that got pushed away had bpd, but had underwent years of treatment and had developed healthy habits and understanding of her limits.
So for some specific bad behaviors. Boundary pushing is big. If someone says no or gives an excuse, that means no unless clearly negotiated with a safeword to replace the no. Attempting to negotiate someone’s boundaries or to guilt them into something they’re not interested in is very bad. Overdependance on someone is bad, especially when they don’t agree to it. Your dominant (or submissive) isn’t your therapist they’re somewhere between romantic partner and fuckbuddy, and you should know where you stand (if you don’t know, talk about it with them).
Now for just general bad form things, they’re more akin to being a bad lay. Dominants being overconfident and doing things they aren’t skilled enough to do without giving a heads up (plenty of experienced subs will agree to be a practice dummy to someone they trust, but it’s often not cool to try something the first time without saying so). Subs that come in with a checklist of things they expect from a scene rather than presenting a menu of options and limits and letting the dom construct a scene out of it. Related are the subs who can’t let go of control in a scene after asserting that that’s what they want (if you say it’s what you want but you’re unsure you’re able that’s a different story). The inverse also sucks, subs who don’t know what they’re interested in or what their limits are (and “no limits” is neither true nor appreciated). Subs who neither have skills nor interest in building them. People who jump right into roles without talking about it.
In general new people are given a lot of grace and so long as it’s not overt consent violations the worst a new person will need to do is apologize when corrected and try to do better.
As a straight dom male, I can tell you that the inverse is also true. Straight sub women routinely want me to do stuff that isn’t BDSM and is actual abuse. I blame the 50 shades of grey series at least in part for that.
Straight sub women routinely want me to do stuff that isn’t BDSM and is actual abuse.
Give some examples?
I have very few restrictions when it comes to someone getting physical with me as long as it’s not permanent. I have found plenty of doms lacking because they express discomfort in rougher kinks. Light bruising is not abuse for example although you should probably take your time and get to know me well enough so that you trust I’m not crazy and that I won’t tell people you’re battering me.
One lady wanted me to choke her till she passed out. Another lady wanted a bag over her head. Another asked me to “punch me and leave bruises while I cum.” I could go on, but honestly it’s kinda disturbing.
Then there are the people that confuse CNC with straight up rape. Rape fantasy is one thing. Asking me to organize a CNC “home breakin” with people that you specifically don’t know and have never met isn’t something I would have any idea how to do safely.
The first few are fine?
The last one is where I would draw the line, even if it involved vetting people off of fetlife.
There’s a difference between hard doms and soft doms. It sounds more like you’re the second and I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Some of us genuinely enjoy being hit and choked and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It means we trust you enough to even ask at all. If it’s not something you enjoy or feel comfortable doing that is also fine.
Someone keept telling me about how they wanted me to do CNC stuff, and I pretty much felt nauseous at hearing that shit.
This gave me a bit of a giggle because I used to know a real one who would show off their work. Not as a trophy or anything, more like, “This is how bruised I’m willing to make someone.” A display of competence, but also a limit. He had anonymized photos from different sessions, and it gave great insight into what impact play actually looks like.
All pictures were taken and shown from the neck down, with consent.
For sure. All of my friends in the community HATE 50 Shades of Grey
Men have unique insecurities that are a result of socital expectations. We gaslight ourselves into conforming to a certain expected behavior. Many, if not most cishet men are afraid to explore their sexuality beyond that which is considered the heteronormative standard. Men are victims of the patriarchy as are everyone else.
Yep. I find the major thing holding me back from most kinks is exactly that; insecurity.
For what it’s worth, you’re not alone.
Wow, this community is a whole lot more supportive than I expected
Everyone here speaks the universal language of shitposting. It would be irrational not to support each other!
The posts are shit… The advice is lit…
I’m glad to hear you say that. I hope you enjoy Lemmy. Welcome!
We have porn for that. Which is 90% only for males.
Hey I just wanna eat pussy in a maid crossdress.
Maybe get pegged and called cute.
Not much to it.
This is so much more common among normal straight men than women realize. That said this is a pretty rare kink for straight women.
The patriarchy ruins errything for us cute booty men with muscles.
Hi there :-)
Wait what this wasn’t supposed to work I didn’t think this far 😵💫
Dust off that maid’s outfit, Bonje!
That’s fucking disgusting.
…only degenerates want to be called “cute”.
Hey cutie 😉
You make me sick!!
…thank you, I needed the compliment.
I’ve been called perverted just for having a high sex drive and thinking about fucking all the time. I don’t think I’m particularly perverted. I just want to do the basic stuff A LOT with someone who enjoys doing it with me. All the people I think of as perverted are into the freaky/gross stuff.
I don’t think the bar is even that high. Any mismatched sex drive is likely to get you called out.
Yeah, in my experience (and at this point I’m pretty experienced) so many men are threatened when my sex drive is higher than theirs, they want to be the one who wants more than I do, no matter what they say. They feel unmanly in some way if I am not the limiting factor, or think it unladylike to want so much.
Only twice have I had a guy who really and truly was so turned on by my wanting it all the time and I married one of them. Now I get it everyday at least and more if I want, even if he doesn’t get off he will do me & edge himself so that he can still do it later, and is way ok with that since he knows I will also want it whenever he’s ready to finish.
I can’t really speak to how I’d feel about it because I’ve only been with someone who matched me once but that was pretty awesome while it lasted. She had a lot of mental issues that made the relationship unsustainable though.
The rest have seemed to mostly feel like sex was all I was concerned with because I wanted it all the time, even though that wasn’t true, I was willing and helped plan to do other things, it was just sex that I wanted to do most and I tried to explain that I knew I wasn’t entitled to anything and I was fine with them saying no when they weren’t in the mood but it always seemed to be a source of friction where we’d get in a loop where they were shooting me down all the time and getting pissed at me for even trying, so I’d hold back from trying to initiate things so often, still get rejected when I did, so back off more, and so on until it was weeks/months between doing anything, and at that point it does become frustrating because it’s impossible for me to get into a headspace where I can understand not wanting to have sex or why you would want to be romantically involved with someone you’re not physically attracted to. Trying to get answers from them as to if there was anything to be done to improve the situation never went anywhere because they didn’t see it as a problem.
I’m happy for you that you found someone that matches you well.
Oh so you like sex? The thing we’re naturally evolutionally drawn to like? The thing that your natural urges of keeping the species alive like other animals are telling you you want? That thing?
You fucking pervert. You should be ashamed of yourself.
You sound like an ex of mine.
I found out my hyper sexuality is partially caused by untreated ADHD. Maybe talk to someone and look into it.
I do probably have ADHD but I don’t really mind the hypersexuality. At least it’s a want I can somewhat satisfy myself vs. something like wanting to own a house or have a rewarding career that actually pays me enough to live comfortably.
I dated a girl once who said she was into kinky shit and i thought pfft yeah yeah - she wanted to cut my dick while it was hard and suck the blood mixed with precum 😐
So, finish the story. Did you let her?
Only once, and i really didnt like it. Turns out im not into having my dick lightly sliced with a razor blade
lightly
OH, that’s far better than I expected.
I’ve seen a gore video where a man rubber-banded his dick and had someone else fully cut it off.
Also one who did it himself with hot blade.
But somehow it still made me less uncomfortable than the dude who stuck a couple of needles through his balls.Nullo culture exists
Quick, I need eye bleach right now
A fellow victim of watching the pain-olympics I see
My guess: A lot of “Perverted” men think they are perverted because all the girls they’ve talked to so far have gone “eeeew” when they mention anything like a blowjob.
They have then concluded that they must be perverted for wanting to try such depravities.
my guess: for men, even little things such as seeing boobs (especially in real life) is “taboo”/exciting. so their idea of “perverted” is pretty tame.
Yeah, for many of us, the experience of women wanting sex is rare. All of those “I have a headache tonight” jokes didn’t just fall out of the sky. And, the expected retort to that example is, “obviously, you’re not very good at it, then,” which reinforces the idea that sex is a competitive event that a man has to develop his skills at in order to be allowed admission, rather than a collaborative activity for the enjoyment of both partners. Under that model, stuff which he enjoys and she doesn’t is “perverted,” and lots of us men end up thinking we’re some grotesque deviants for wanting.
There’s a lot of women who cannot cum when their mentality isn’t perfectly aligned which means when they don’t feel themselves they don’t want sex.
For men sex is generally more stress relieving and affirming so when they are not feeling great they want it more.
Also women have “responsive desire” where unless they are approached and engaged they never even think about sex.
This creates a lot of marriage wreckage I’ve seen.
which reinforces the idea that sex is a competitive event that a man has to develop his skills at in order to be allowed admission, rather than a collaborative activity for the enjoyment of both partners
This is a false dichotomy, because, based on the conversations I’ve been party to with my friend group (which includes a number of aggressively poly women), a lack of skill can and will make it harder to gain admission. Lack of skill can make it unenjoyable for the other party, which can absolutely gate your admission.
One of my casual partners in my friend group will semi-regularly reference a former short-term partner who was rather well endowed but didn’t know how to use the equipment he had. Lack of skill is what caused her to drop the partner, and I’ve heard similar conversations with other AFAB friends.
I’m sorry, you’re saying it’s a false dichotomy but then immediately just supporting their entire point. I don’t really know what you’re trying to say but it feels like trying to sweep under the rug the difficulties men have
AFAB = All Friends Are Bi?
It’s too similar to ACAB for me to come up with anything else.
Assigned female at birth
Thanks!
For what it’s worth, I’d call that a failure of collaboration, rather than losing the competition, assuming she communicated what works for her in some reasonable manner. I mean, I’m assuming that they wouldn’t dump an unskilled man who’s open to improvement?
That’s kinda the same no? For the most part, the taboo is not one that the individual has created, it’s a societal thing. The same society that creates women that are grossed out by the mention of a blowjob creates the man who freaks out when he sees a boob.
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Hey, kink is fun as hell. The whole societal shame bullshit around anything related to sex outside of the context of procreation is fucking dumb, and I’ve more or less fully rejected that mindset at this point. We are humans; humans were designed to feel good when smashing; hence, we like to smash. And exploring fun aspects and dynamics in that context is exciting and delightful.
Remember: “tradition” is just peer pressure from dead people.
That’s not a kink. Sex for fun is entirely normal human.
Sex only for impregnation on the other hand, that’s a specific fetish.
There’s definitely a gender dichotomy in terms of societal acceptance of sex as a form of fun. For men, it’s generally like “yeah, get some!”; for women; it’s often a lot closer to “omg you whore 😱”
there’s definitely a gender dichotomy that goes far back to england and the puritans who believed that basically women are inferior beings for having a sex drive (because that’s devilish), meanwhile men got a semi-pass possibly because they’re more difficult to say “no” to.
anyways, the english church is single-handedly responsible for the divide of human culture from human nature. nowhere else in the world (and i’ve studied a lot of philosophy!) have i seen such a great divide. it’s all about the asymmetry of good and evil.
just as a follow-up, the sad thing is, nobody could explain to me why the puritans have such a strong aversion to sex. it’s just postulated but without any proof or at least hint that would make it plausible.
i have actually asked for this specific question here about 3 days ago, to find an answer. i was downvoted to hell, nobody even tried to elaborate (except 1 friendly muslim) and people called me “bad-faithed” for even asking such a question.
It’s because well, sex is pleasurable (and kind of dirty), but mostly, they obviously tend towards suffering, like believing in hard work and denial, and sex is very much the opposite of that.
I think if you has asked “Why do puritans and others have such a strong aversion to sex?” you would have gotten better answers than asking your question “Prudish people, why do you hate sex?”
yeah i guess so.
I love a perverted women (actually 2), and I’m always happy when I find another that can keep up with my dirty minded wit
I think this has nothing to do with someone’s gender. I would consider myself a perverted woman. I am at a lot of kinky events (probably once or twice a week). I saw a lot of stuff that is too extreme for me but on the other hand a lot of things I do is too extreme for others. So it’s a huge thing based on perspective. But what I noticed so far is that men have a lot of kinks that are unrealistic to pull of. I met someone who was into the thought of me shrinking him down and swallow him. I encountered almost every kink imaginable so far and I would say woman and man are equally as perverted.
Not my experience, with the guys willing to hire a pro for general “kinky” stuff many didn’t want more than spanking and stern words … and that’s after they got over the psychological hurdles of actually talking to someone and confirming they had cash.
IME lots of boys like the idea, but have a low tolerance for loss of control, and no confidence that even if worked up gently they would actually enjoy being pushed.
If a woman told me I can’t go, and that she was simply going to use me, that would actually be the hottest thing ever.
Especially if she is rather strong, and shows that she is eager.
Idk where you find these people.
having a low tolerance for loss of control IMO is connected to a general anxiety, having made bad life experiences, having been hurt by others etc . this are not inherent character traits but develop in a rough and coldhearted environment.
IME lots of boys like the idea, but have a low tolerance for loss of control, and no confidence that even if worked up gently they would actually enjoy being pushed.
Aye to the tolerance, but I think that is a HEAVY trust issue more than anything else. They’re coming to someone they’ve basically never met before, and you think completely giving up control is going to be okay? That’s how folks get murdered (statistically rare, sure, but can you imagine a better scenario for killing someone?) in every bad fiction novel and ‘true crime’ talkyrecording.
I think maybe your results are skewed by your sample group. I’m unsurprised that you find very pervy men at your Sunday night Pervert Socials. What are the average, non-meeting-attending pervs cranking their hogs to? Probably high heels and fishnets and thinking they’re depraved animals.
What are the average, non-meeting-attending pervs cranking their hogs to? Probably high heels and fishnets and thinking they’re depraved animals.
Feet and gentle femdom on a good day, horrible and degrading femdom shit on a bad day. I wouldn’t say i’m depraved, more so damaged and insecure.
Gotta sort the wheat from the chaff when it comes to guys.
Much easier for WLW, if a girl says she’s kinky then even if it’s at the gentle end it’s gonna be fun ;-)
