My wife, the most beautiful human in my life was taken away after enduring a painful struggle with cancer. She was only 32 when diagnosed and died at 34. I know it’s disgusting to think this way but sometimes I feel like I endured more pain than she did albeit a different kind of pain. I know it’s selfish but I’m alone now without my best friend. She was my everything in this life.
I would trade in everything to have her back for a day. I would trade in my ideological beliefs, my humanity, I would trade myself even if it meant spending just one more day with my partner. To feel her weight beside the bed knowing she’s there, her body functioning and all the processes we aren’t conscious of that make us alive.
I’m a bitter person. I have a disdain for people who are survivors, for people who “caught it early.” I get so enraged at the thought of it. I find myself watching last chemo trial videos and the bell they ring echos throughout my spirit and I tremble with immense anger. Why couldn’t my wife be one of the lucky ones? I ask myself. I should have done more for her health and I should have pushed her harder into getting the right care, I should’ve cared for her health it was my duty to protect her, to protect the most precious thing in my life. Instead of just allowed her to waste away. We would eat unhealthily together and even though we’re both active and physically fit, well she was, was because she’s dead now, she was actively fit and cared for her health, she would still like a donut or a sweet every now and then.
I often think in the cliche “what was the straw that broke the camels back?” Was it the time I burned the rice? Was it the nonstick pan I scratched because I was too lazy to use a wooden ladle? Was it the deodorant I used? Maybe it was the frozen food I texted her on those days I wanted to cheer her up that I was at a store ready to bring home one of her favorite treats.
“Cancer survivors” fuck, even those words bother me. I’m sorry for saying it like this, I’m just so disturbed with the loss of my wife. I hate the celebs with access to the best healthcare getting all the tests that gives them to time to diagnose and treat with the best doctors and healthcare plans, the best recovery programs all whilst eating the best foods. It enrages me to no end.
I fucking miss her. I still smell her around the house sometimes as if she was present just moments ago. I delude myself that “she’s just gone out” and she’ll be back. I call out to her without even thinking sometimes. I can’t even buy the treats we had together because, I just can’t.
I want my human back.
I’m so sorry for your loss comrade. I was definitely crying reading this
I often think in the cliche “what was the straw that broke the camels back?” Was it the time I burned the rice? Was it the nonstick pan I scratched because I was too lazy to use a wooden ladle? Was it the deodorant I used? Maybe it was the frozen food I texted her on those days I wanted to cheer her up that I was at a store ready to bring home one of her favorite treats.
Unless you were like forcing her to bath in toxic sludge every night or handling radioactive waste with her bare hands, there isn’t much you could’ve done because the vast majority of people in their 20s and 30s don’t think they will get hit with cancer. Most people begin their “I better pay attention to early signs of cancer” stage of life in their 40s. People don’t exactly rush to get colonoscopies in their 20s. I only know one dude who actually did colonoscopies in their 30s and it was because he was some vet who breathed carcinogenic fumes while in Iraq (I forgot the term, but there’s a pit where troops burn their trash and he was constantly exposed to those fumes).
I know it’s disgusting to think this way but sometimes I feel like I endured more pain than she did albeit a different kind of pain. I know it’s selfish but I’m alone now without my best friend. She was my everything in this life.
This is reasonable. She was able to endure 2 years of pain with you by her side while you’ll have to endure a lifetime of pain without her.
(I forgot the term, but there’s a pit where troops burn their trash and he was constantly exposed to those fumes).
i think it’s called the burn pit? very creative those army boys.
You write beautifully and convey your agony well. I’m sorry you’re suffering such a horrible cruelty of fate. There is no inherent fairness or justice to the world, and there is certainly nothing that you could have done to have caused her cancer. Cancer is something that just happens to some people. Genetics, bad luck, environmental factors outside our control, and a whole bunch of ???UNKNOWNS??? are responsible. Not burnt food. Not a doughnut here or there. Not frozen food.
There’s a tendency when disaster happens to try to wonder what we could have done to prevent it. The psychological reason is to feel some sense of control and think “well, it won’t happen again”. It’s a protective thing. It’s irrational, because it already happened, but humans are deeply irrational creatures and it comes out of our survival mechanisms.
The anger and bitterness you feel are natural feelings and I hope you do not judge yourself for them. It’s not disgusting for you to feel the way you’re feeling. Grief is a monster. Grief is horrible torture, and I’ve seen and lived firsthand what it can do to people. It can torture people into being angry and bitter and hateful. It can break people of everything they believe, because the most important thing of all is for the pain to end. Torture breaks people, and make no mistake, the agony of grief and loss is torture.
If you’re able to find therapy, you may benefit from it. If you’re able to access a grief support group, you may benefit from one. I briefly went to this grief support group before I had a time conflict come up and they seemed good. It was surprisingly helpful. One thing that was good about it was that it is peer led instead of having a system, so people can speak more freely about their struggles without worrying about getting narcd on: https://kivacenters.org/online-peer-support/, they’ve got a Living with Loss support group. They’re based in Massachussets time so I think that’s eastern time in the US.
I’m sorry, comrade. This life is not fair.
I’m sorry for your loss, I really don’t know what else to say
I lost my mom a couple years back so I can relate, there’s been a couple times I’ve woken up saying “MOM” out loud in my sleep, just yesterday I had a dream about her. Don’t really know what more to add, personally therapy helped me, but I was in a unique situation where I had access to it (rehab) so it might not be the same for you.I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a very good and dear partner for you.
Losing someone that close is very painful, like being haunted by their ghost, because you knew them so well. Their absence is palpable, or like your shadow.
Life can be so cruel and senseless. Cancer can take those who did everything “right.” As for the bell ringing ritual, I did a stint in oncology and its something we’ve all talked about because of course… not everyone makes it and it can hurt to see the people ring the bell when your loved one didn’t. I don’t know what it’s worth, but some people also ring the bell when they’ve chosen to be done with chemo - not because they’re in remission but because they’re ready to stop.
The food you ate, the comfort even if it was frozen food or snacks, that all meant a lot to you and her. They’re also moments of joy and moments you grew together. Earting them can stay in the time you had with her and maybe come back when you’re ready to try them again.
Grieve. Feel bitter. Be sad. Cry. Do it with others and alone. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss, comrade
My heart aches for you, comrade.
I hope that even a little bit of love disseminated on a computer screen from a relative stranger is helpful even if infinitesimally so.
Thank you for sharing.
I’m so fucking sorry. My words can never hold a message comforting enough to lift a gram of the pain I know you’re feeling. I know what you mean though, about the suffering you go through when someone you care so deeply for is in pain. I’ve wanted to turn myself inside out in a desperate and impotent clutching for some solution to their pain. Your feeling of loss will never depart, but it will ripen and mellow with time. Be kind to yourself.
<3
Cancer survivors” fuck, even those words bother me. I’m sorry for saying it like this, I’m just so disturbed with the loss of my wife.
I understand this a lot. Not many people really understand how grief and trauma can be imparted on language and concepts. It’ll take a long time, and you’ll feel guilty over it, but it’ll get better. Time will whip past you and youll find yourself better. Wish you the best comrade
I’ve lost a good number of people to AIDS and a hostile society to queers. They were beautiful, strong, young people. We’ve got to keep on going for the people we’ve lost.
