TW: Will contain use of words porn, penis. But this was one of the things made me realize I am not really a man.

Hi, well I’m Una. 20 years old trans woman who still is not transitioning which I will not talk about why now. Now I just want to vent about my childhood. I am from Croatia.

I really remember much, before puberty I was shy but still playful child nothing extraordinary. But since puberty started I was getting more self isolated, and no I wasn’t abused or bullied or something, I was just isolating myself and neglecting my hygiene that I showered once a week. Around my puberty is when I got WiFi access at home, and at 12-13 don’t really know was when I first discovered porn and from here I discovered how much I hate having penis and how much I hate when I or anyone else touch it and wished I was never born with it, I was always sad why I couldn’t be lesbian, why I couldn’t been born woman and have a girlfriend. Whenever I tried to talk to people I can’t, my hearth goes crazy and I sweat my only conversations were dark humor and sharing morbid tiktoks and reels to friends.

I don’t want to live like this, I wish this wasn’t my life I hate this.

My whole life I felt like I wasn’t me, like I was spectator in foreign body.

But I don’t know how to come out to anyone and I’m scared because I don’t know if I should come out. Also in Croatia in order to access gender affirming care I need to get diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

Worst thing is, it is hard for me to show any emotions so I look 😐 while 😭😭

I don’t want to die because then it will say “young man died because…” I don’t want to die, I am scared of death. I don’t want to live like this, I hate when others see me as a man, I hate my male anatomy. Right now as I am writing this, my face is emotionless and now I am doubting myself if this what I am writing is even real 😭😭😭

I was incel my whole life 😭😭😭 I hate my life 😭😭😭