TW: Will contain use of words porn, penis. But this was one of the things made me realize I am not really a man.

Hi, well I’m Una. 20 years old trans woman who still is not transitioning which I will not talk about why now. Now I just want to vent about my childhood. I am from Croatia.

I really remember much, before puberty I was shy but still playful child nothing extraordinary. But since puberty started I was getting more self isolated, and no I wasn’t abused or bullied or something, I was just isolating myself and neglecting my hygiene that I showered once a week. Around my puberty is when I got WiFi access at home, and at 12-13 don’t really know was when I first discovered porn and from here I discovered how much I hate having penis and how much I hate when I or anyone else touch it and wished I was never born with it, I was always sad why I couldn’t be lesbian, why I couldn’t been born woman and have a girlfriend. Whenever I tried to talk to people I can’t, my hearth goes crazy and I sweat my only conversations were dark humor and sharing morbid tiktoks and reels to friends.

I don’t want to live like this, I wish this wasn’t my life I hate this.

My whole life I felt like I wasn’t me, like I was spectator in foreign body.

But I don’t know how to come out to anyone and I’m scared because I don’t know if I should come out. Also in Croatia in order to access gender affirming care I need to get diagnosed with gender dysphoria.

Worst thing is, it is hard for me to show any emotions so I look 😐 while 😭😭

I don’t want to die because then it will say “young man died because…” I don’t want to die, I am scared of death. I don’t want to live like this, I hate when others see me as a man, I hate my male anatomy. Right now as I am writing this, my face is emotionless and now I am doubting myself if this what I am writing is even real 😭😭😭

I was incel my whole life 😭😭😭 I hate my life 😭😭😭

  • Beryl@lemmy.mlEnglish
    7·
    3 days ago

    It’s great to hear that you don’t want to die. Having a difficult time expressing your emotions doesn’t mean that they aren’t there. You’re only 20 and there is so much of life ahead of you. You have plenty of time to transition, and based on what you’ve described here it seems likely that you would receive a gender dysphoria diagnosis if you sought it out.

    There are plenty of things you can do before that to focus on gender affirmation and taking care of your mental well being. You’re in a really emotionally intense stage of your life and transition and it is important that you treat yourself kindly. How you are now is not how you will remain.

  • Mossy Feathers (She/Her)@pawb.socialEnglish
    4·
    3 days ago

    Hey girl, everything you’re saying is consistent with the trans experience; you’re not the only one who’s going through this, and you won’t be the last. That is, to say, that the road is becoming more and more traveled. Instead of letting it hold you back, let it motivate you to find people people who support you, both irl and online. Look for jobs that’ll allow you to move into lgbt-supportive areas. Look into any Croatian pride events, those might be a good place to look for a way into the LGBT community.

  • misterdoctor@lemmy.worldEnglish
    3·
    3 days ago

    I don’t know if you’re familiar with this group, but I found them online and they focus specifically on resources for transgender individuals in Croatia: https://www.kolektirv.hr/english/

    I can’t vouch for them but I just wanted to share the link.

    You deserve to be safe and happy and to live as yourself. Every human on earth deserves that. I hope more than anything you’re able to find the support you deserve.