Has anyone given you any steak jokes yet?

No? I guess that makes sense, steak jokes are a rare medium well-done

This one always makes me smile. “Shitty old removed” is permanently embedded in my vocabulary.

I’m all out of funny but I want to let you know I’ve been seeing you a lot on lemmy lately and I appreciate that you are part of this community.

I don’t really know any jokes but maybe a random comic strip can help the cause (had to dig for something I haven’t downloaded from Lemmy):

Let me share a story from. my Warhammer Fantasy group, then

The church of Ulrich told us someone might poison the city wells in Middenheim, so me - a 70 year old dwarf that lived in the city for the better part of his life - and headhunter halfling did a round around the city wells to check if they’re okay.

Meanwhile two elves that went shopping after the meeting in a church noticed we’re gone. They have arrived in the country two weeks earlier and still struggled a bit with the language, but still started to look for us.

We have finally arrived at the first well and noticed neither of us can read or write, so we used pictograms to mark the wells on a map. The elves were a pair of mages, so they had this ability.

After misunderstanding the received directions twice, the elves started to yell my name in hopes that someone who knows me from the arena would respond.

One time they rolled a 69 on d100, so the DM made a random encounter with a sex worker that thought they were looking for her service. It made sense, since my character’s name is Segzan Nimblefinger - I swear I didn’t notice how bad it sounds until the others pointed it out to me, even though I like this kind of jokes very much.

While they were busy, a witch hunter (basically Spanish Inquisitor) approached us, hearing reports about two people suspiciously wandering around the wells.

Priests specifically asked us to not tell them anything about their request, and the halfling was the first to agree. The player forgot about it, though, and almost gave us out at the beginning of the conversation. I’ve stopped after he told about the poisoning of the church’s well.

The hunter, obviously, inquired about what poisoned that well, so I yelled the best idea I got at that moment: “Shit! Skaven shiiit!”, explained I’m looking for a job after the arena was closed, and I the meantime trying which well in the city was the tastiest. He didn’t believe me. Still, I promised to get them a copy of the results and quickly added pictures of smiley and less smiley faces onto the map.

After all of that the elves arrived at the mages guild, asking their mentor for directions. She explained that searching for a specific person in a city full of people is difficult to accomplish with magic.

Another witch hunter approached them outside, they spilt the beans, and the hunters promised to tell us to meet at the city arena, and protect the southern wells.

We did get informed, but decided to finish checking the wells, since there were only two left.

After that we thought “Wait, those two are idiots, they may come to the stadium instead of arenas,” and we were right.

One short conflict about the difference between a stadium and a arena, we continued the game.

During the better part of the session the DM was playing Benny Hill music.

What did the egg say to the other egg?

Nothing. Eggs don’t talk.

What did the muffin say to the other muffin?

OMG I CAN TALK!

deleted by creator

Have you watched The Owl House? That show always cheers me up with its wholesomeness

one of my favs…

a guy and a little girl are walking through a dark wood in the dead of night. they walk and walk. at one point, the little girl says “mister, its dark and im scared!”. the guys says, “how do you think i feel, i gotta walk out of here alone!”.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute.

“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.” “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.” “Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.” “Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.” “Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” “What does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: “Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!”

A man gets some hearing aids and says to his friend “I’m glad I finally bought these, they’re top of the line, and the best money can buy.” The friend says “What kind?” The man says “It’s half past 4.”

I was talking to a friend earlier today. Both me and my friend have played in bands in our youth, and were swapping war stories about those days. I was reminded of this fun anecdote:

There was one gig where the band I was in played at a tiny little all-day festival somewhere in Belgium, and the stage setup was really messy. The guitarist trod on the power cable to my keyboard, and pulled it so that it interrupted the power, but only for a split second. This reset it to its default settings, losing all the custom sounds I’d set up for some of the buttons. And, to my horror, causing it to play a samba demo song instead of the backing sequence I’d programmed when I pressed one of those preset buttons. This did not blend nicely at all with the gothic metal we were in the middle of playing.

Also, this was a summer festival and we were playing at the height of the midafternoon heat

… in leather trousers, big ruffle shirts and black mesh tops.

Have you ever seen goths sweat the white foundation off their faces?