I have a 14 year old Maine Coon that is terminally ill and has a few weeks at best. Our son recently turned 4 years old and loves animals. We taught him to be kind to all animals, even bugs. He is not particularly attached to the cat, but he likes it well enough (the cat is not a cuddler).
In a few weeks we’ll have to go to the vet and have the cat put down. We’re wondering how we should approach this with our son. Do we take him with us? Do we let him be present when the cat is put to sleep? Or make him stay in the waiting area? Or do we go when he’s in school? What’s appropriate for a 4 year old?
On the one hand I think that death is a part of life. And I don’t mind that he sees us crying over the cat. But I also don’t want to traumatize him or make it bigger than it is.
Any tips?
Such sad times! I’m so sorry for your loss. We had a cat and a dog die when our kids were young (4&2yo when the cat died, 5&3 for the dog). It was really hard! Especially since both pets had been with me for almost 20 years… both were a big losses. We talked about it with them once it was clear that they were on their way out. We tried to keep it age appropriate and simple, but very matter of fact, no euphemisms, etc. When the time came that we decided to euthanize, we gave the kids the option if they wanted to come or not (both to the vet, and then to stay with the pet until the end). Both times, they chose to stay, and then we went out for ice cream and talked about it all a bunch, kinda trying to follow their lead whenever they wanted to talk about it. I would definitely do the same again in the future…explain what’s going to happen, what it’ll be like, then give them the option. It was hard, especially because at their ages they were also pretty focused on my response, but also it seemed like it gave them a pretty good grip on the whole thing. Maybe a sense of closure? They were sad, but it felt like healthy sad, definitely not traumatizing or anything.
It’s a painful but very important life lesson. There is no age too early to learn about the facts of death, despite what modern culture might suggest. The human psyche is in fact prepared to handle this shock, even at that age, given proper support. It sounds like you’ve got the support aspect nailed. Just be prepared to answer and comfort and be honest. IMHO. IANA Pediatric psychologist, just an internet stranger.
You’re 100% correct!
There’s a children’s book by undertaker Eric Wrede, and in this book, he advocates exactly this: no child is too young to be confronted with death, as long as you’re there to comfort them.
I actually don’t think you are allowed to put down kids.
Have him say goodbye to the cat but don’t have him present for the euthanasia.
My parenting philosophy is that to earn children’s trust, you must be truthful with them. Parents are also tasked with protecting children from too much pain. In practice, this means giving them the truth in a way they can process.
Tell them well in advance.
On the day let them hug the cat as it leaves. Tell them this will be the last time.
In the best case, they will be sad and angry. They might also be confused. Let them.
The above poster gives good advice.
I lost my nan when I was 10, older, but I was still a kid with kid level processing. All I wanted was someone to help me process what had happened, talk about it, so I could work through the feelings. Talk about her and all we did together to feel a connection in how I felt, both in enjoying her company, throughout the years and how empty it felt without her.
When our family cat died, I sat down outside with my kids, aged 8 and 11, and we painted offcuts of wood, in representations of her, and talked about all the joy she brought, the fun times, the silly things. Then we lit a fire to say goodbye and I bought the kids packets that turn colours in the flames and let them all throw one in each, while saying whatever they wanted, or nothing. It was a lovely afternoon. We kept all the paintings. They turned out beautifully.
The moment passes quickly. The processing after, that’s what’s most important. Just be there for the questions, take time with it, don’t feel rushed to answer, walk the path of grief, together.
Thank you. Some kind of griefing ceremony sounds like a great idea!
Feeling with you, stranger friend!
Serious tip: don’t traumatize your child by making it over the top traumatic and they’ll be fine!
Your instinct is correct, kids have an amazing grasp on life and death.
I had and have the same topic with my back then three year old. I won’t go into details but death is a topic for quite a while now.
Be open, be honest and don’t shy away from translating it to his level: If he had a favorite toy that got destroyed it’s an emotional connection he can make for example.
One important thing for me to point out though because it caught me as a shock: true empathy is impossible for a kid that age. Meaning: the chance is high that hell say something that will be completely out of the blue or shocking - expect it and don’t be too harsh please, even when he’ll manage to trigger something ❤️
We just went through this too. I was honest and told him kitty was old and hurting, and that he was going to die and we were going to miss him. I told him to pet him and snuggle him and to say goodbye because he would be gone soon, and we wouldn’t see him again. I told him about death being the end of a life but I don’t think it entirely sank in. Kiddo asked a few times afterwards where the kitty was, and I reminded him that he died. I got an “oh” and sometimes “I miss [kitty]”, to which I respond with “me too” and sharing a happy memory. Definitely explain what is happening.
On another note, there are services which will come to your house for pet euthanasia. It makes it a much more peaceful experience for the pet, because they are comfortable and relaxed. I highly recommend looking for a local service like that, search “at home pet euthanasia” for your area.
Thanks, that’s the first I ever heared about at home euthanasia. I’ll have a look!
ive had 4…
At 4yo mine were able to understand the finality… you dont need to great detail about death… but the temporary nature of life is not terribly hard to grasp. I was always of the mind that you should answer any question asked truthfully… but obviously age appropriate.
i always found i was making a bigger deal of %concept% than was necessary
also… its gunna suck… youre going to feel your own pain as well as theirs
We unfortunately had a more traumatic experience for our kids when my first cat, Luna, died. I found Luna in the basement under the workbench, unconscious and barely breathing. My wife held Luna in her lap while the kids (2 and 4 at the time) got to pet her and say goodbye. Luna died while we were all petting her. Our 4 year old was extremely upset for weeks after, and we ended up getting her a cat stuffy that looked like Luna to help her cope. Our younger kid has zero memory of it happening.
All of this is to say, I would not recommend having your 4 yo present, but do give him the chance to say goodbye in his own way and make sure he understands that your cat will be gone forever.
We had to put down our neighborhood conglomerate appropriately named Tuvix when my son was four. We didn’t do any of that paradise-farm-fairytale-BS. We were honest about why, and explained it to him.
Kids are resilient and adaptable, even if something sad happens. I find that honesty goes a long way.
He wasn’t present at the vet, we told him a after the fact (He knew that Tuvix was ill).
Ask at your local bookstore or library. A good story in a beautifully painted children’s book can help your son to process his feeling’s, by supplying words and metaphors he can use to talk about his grief.
Talk to him about it, let him say bye, but don’t bring him. I was 10 and my brother was 6 when our dog was euthanized. I was brought along but left in the car, and my brother found out when he came home from our grandparents’. I wouldn’t say either of us are traumatized. Just very sad, for a few weeks.
I’m sorry about your cat. I would suggest scheduling it while your son’s at school, and talking to him in plain language to explain what happened. Don’t say that the cat is now living at a farm or other euphemisms, but instead be as clear as you can be to explain that the cat’s body stopped working and that the cat’s not coming home. Explain that that’s what happens to all living things when they get old and/or really really sick.
There is a book, Little Cat, Big Cat which you could get from the library to read to your son, but it’s very emotional and when I read it after our cat died, made me cry during story time.
Ohh, that book is a great suggestion! I’m going to look for it in our library.
I understand this is a parenting thread, but why do you “have to go to the vet and have the cat put down”? Why not just let her die on her own?
Because I assume you’re asking in food faith: Because animals suffer more - medication is not as available for humans. In nature they would starve or fall prey to hunters. As pets we rather give them something to die painlessly than to starve them.
To be clear: It’s literally “misery or death” - I hope you’ll never get into this situation but seeing a beloved animal suffer through something like this.
I’m sorry but I guess I just don’t really believe that. Our animals all have significant health issues and if we hadn’t stuck with them they would have died years ago. I think our animals would rather be with us than be dead, even if they are sometimes in pain, and I think their attitude towards us shows that.
I say this as someone who owns a lot of animals, and who has spent 20k on just our dog in the past year for health issues. A better way of asking this is, would you do the same for your child? A child that can’t talk, but they have a terminal disease. Sure there is a point where you remove life support, but you don’t ever actively kill them.
A final point: you say “medication is not as available”. That will always be the case if people continue to not help their animals in these situations. The medicine will never advance and the costs of treatment will never come down.
Frankly I don’t care if you believe it or not. I only honestly hope they none of your animals get to that point.
It’s not about a terminal disease it’s about chronic suffering. And yes, for humans as well im arguing for medically assisted suicide.
Your last point I don’t get either l: How do you intent to help a German Shepherd with an infected hip who has a survival chance of 0% for an operation? How do you intent to “help” any being with an illness where no medication exist?
You sound to me like the “just work harder” equivalent of health.
You’re full of strawmen to create a world that’s just wrong because of the choices other humans make. Please allow a world that is just uncaring to all living beings - and some of us are confronted with that more than you apparently are. And no, I’m no longer talking about animals.
She has a tumor the size of an egg on her throat. It’s growing and will press on her windpipe more and more. I don’t want her to suffer. Slowly suffocating is a terrible way to go.
This is a perfect answer in case your kid ask why.
