Do you ever catch yourself reacting to things the exact way your parents did, even when you don’t want to?
I’ve noticed impatience and snapping at small stuff in myself lately, and it lines up with patterns I grew up around. Knowing where it came from hasn’t been enough to actually stop it in the moment.
How did you actually change an inherited reaction pattern, not just understand it, but genuinely respond differently next time?
It takes practice, and conscious effort in the moment. You won’t stop how you feel right away (impatience), but you can stop your reaction.
Now: event>emotional response> verbal response
Then: event>emotional response> verbal response > self reflection
Then: event>emotional response> (stop to think) less acidic verbal response
Etc till you’re not snapping. One step at a time, but the fact you’re are trying to alter the pattern is huge. Good luck, this won’t be easy but you can do it.
thanks brother , will change for sure , step by step
I largely agree with this, but I would emphasize that you are trying to learn about the reaction. What triggers it. What you feel. In some cases you might not ever be able to change this reaction entirely, but you may be able to learn to keep your self out of situations where you have this reaction, or notice when you are heading towards it and try to defuse it.
The biggest negative effect of such a thing is usually on others and on relationships. A key element around this is to communicate. To help the person that you snap at understand the reaction also, and of course to apologise for it.
I grew up with a mom that was NEVER wrong.
If I pointed out she was wrong, there was always an excuse. “Well, YOU should have said this, or you made me do that.”
And because of her need to look infallible all the time, I learned to hide mistakes, blame others, and never let anyone know you aren’t perfect.
And so, when I first had kids, I instinctively continued to do as I was taught. Once day I realized what I was doing and thought about how it made me feel when I was a kid, and decided I didn’t want to do the same thing to them.
It wasn’t “as easy as that” and there were many times I caught myself doing it, but when I did, I apologized and admitted my mistake.
I’d rather they learn how to accept responsibility for their actions than learn how to place blame on others.
thanks sir
Similar to the other commenter, its the process of advancing awareness
- Unaware: impulse -> reaction
- Awareness: impulse -> reaction -> processing
- Guilt: impulse -> reaction -> critique reaction
^ you can get stuck here for a while making bad reactions and not being aware of the bad reactions until after doing them, the more you critique them and and accept yourself the sooner you can then transcend to
- Learning:: impulse->identification of trigger->reaction-> critique
^ this is a frustrating time where you still feel like youre making the wrong reactions, but you are now aware of the trigger
- Fixing: impulse->identification->response->critique
^ at this point you now know your trigger and have a number of prepped safe responses to that trigger, that are further honed until satisfied
Idk, for me it works to just nag at myself, and interrupt my thought or speech realtime when i see myself not acting how id like to, and eventually, like swirling the drain, my awareness eventually moves from after my reaction to before my response - and thats when i gain my agency back and act the way id like to
In addition to the previous replies:
Try to prepare for situations where you know you’re likely to become impatient and give yourself a little peptalk on what will happen, why you want to remain calm, and how you will respond when getting frustrated instead of snapping.
Like if a kid is really slow a tying their shoes, before asking them to put on their shoes, take a deep breath, tell yourself that “I want to give them the opportunity to practice without me stressing them out. We might be late, but it’s just a matter of minutes, these things will happen. If I am getting annoyed I will take a deep breath and go wash my hands and smile at myself in the mirror because I didn’t snap. If they want help I will be happy to explain how to do it as if it was the first time. They will do it their own way in their own time, but it will get done”. Unclench your jaw and lower your shoulders, then slow your speaking voice to be extra calm and unstressed when entering the situation that will likely make you impatient.
Always repeat to yourself “They will do it their own way in their own time, but it will get done”.