The White House, through an outside event production company called Harbinger, is soliciting corporate sponsors for this year’s Easter Egg Roll, which is prompting major concerns from ethics experts and shock from former White House officials from both parties.
The sponsorship offers range from $75,000 to $200,000, with the promise of logo and branding opportunities, according to a nine-page document sent to potential sponsors and obtained by CNN.
But the solicitation for sponsorships marks an unprecedented offering of corporate branding opportunities on White House grounds running counter to long-established regulations prohibiting the use of public office for private gain.
I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid?”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.
I’d watch this … as long as Trump doesn’t have a cameo.
Thanks for giving me a chuckle to start the day.
Did you write this?
Nah it’s an old copypasta.
We aren’t that far off from everyone’s clothes looking like NASCAR suits like in Idiocracy.
This unironically should have been a requirement of all politicians from the very beginning. They need to publicly disclose their donors at all times, attempts to hide or alter this list can be punished with disbarment and removal of office.
Patch jackets are a great way to accomplish this (with other referencable lists online to support), they will even work as advertising for the companies. If there is an upcoming candidate that I’m a big fan of and I find out that, let’s say, Microsoft is a major sponsor of this candidate, that will cause me to a) find out why that is, and b) change my opinions of Microsoft, likely for the better if they aren’t doing something underhanded.
If we can’t remove sponsorships and donations and money in general from our politics, which, let’s be real here… We can at least make it more transparent.
I don’t think that’s a terrible idea for politicians. Let’s see who bought them.
get red bull to sponsor it. have super dave osborne jump the whitehouse in a giant egg car.
Is Super Dave still alive? I vaguely remember his cartoon
He passed in 2019
While that’s not surprising, it would have been fun to see him scream in “terror” one last time. Just not anything to do with Drumpf
So… where’s the money going?
Russia is always a good bet.
That’s where it’s coming from…
Supposedly the White House Historical Association.
The real question
Didn’t he just do a Tesla commercial in the White House lawn? And people are pretending to scratch their heads over this?
Not even the first time he pulled this BS… Did a Goya commercial in The Oval Office.
He’s a grifting charlatan, and he’s not even charismatic. It’s baffling!
The White House Easter Egg Hunt brought to you by Brawndo®
Idiocracy really was a foretelling…
The White House presents: Easter brought to you by Nabisco!
“Tonight’s State of the Union address is provided to you by…Coco & Eve Sunny Honey Bali Bronzing Self Tanner Moose. Command the room with a tan as bold as your dicta…leadership—Coco & Eve Sunny Honey: The Presidential Glow!”
Nestle might be all over that. It’s not like they care about their reputation among the well informed.
This Easter is brought to you by Supply Side Jesus and the Oligarchy.
This year’s Easter is brought to you by Carl’s Jr.
Henderson Valley Eggs:
You’re gonna love our eggs!
This ain’t your daddy’s egg!
Finally an egg for my generation!
May I suggest Goya?
Cadbury’s Easter Cream Egg Roll!
