Recent developments in US politics… naturalized citizens like me might be at risk…
So… anyways… it got me thinking a lot…
Like… there’s this alternate timelime where I never got to learned English… cuz the only reason I know this language is cuz I came to the US.
This language has been part of my identity since… like most of the life I remember…
So I have aunts and cousins in China that are still on an immigration backlog, and they’ve been on waitlist for like a decade, they’re probably adults now, I think, no idea if they still are considered a dependent to come with the aunts (my mother’s sisters) as they are he primary beneficiaries of the visa application, dependents are derivatives… so if they are over 21, idk if they’re still allowed to come to the US, not a lawyer…
but the again, not sure if they will ultimately even decide to come, considering… it’s a lot to move countries… I remember feeling anxious when I first got here, and also it’s not the 2010s anymore, its 2025, lots has changed, those cousins probably got used to growing up over there…
Okay I sound like I’m rambling…
but my point is, this got me thinking about myself
like… what if I was never here… like… I was there in China all this time…
Who the hell am I?
What is this weird timeline… why am I here?
Like I feel like everytime something happens in life, I’m always gonna obsess about that point in the timeline where the timeline diverges on two different timelines.
Feels so weird to say I’m “American”
It’s just a paper that can be revoked at anytime, like when constitutionalism breaks down, like… glances at the news
Yeah, once ones national identity is at risk of being revoked, despite that being the only nation you know, I can see that shaking up the foundation quite a bit. So the question then is, which other aspects of your life makes you american? I would assume that your social group is part of it? Also, being ethnically Chinese, do you feel any connection to China past your heritage?
I feel American as in the spirt of anti-authoritarianism… or what being American was supposed to be.
As in the Abolitionism, the Sufferage movement, Civil Rights movement, various workers rights strikes, protests, the George Floyd Protests, resisting injustice.
And even right now, there are still people trying to protect immigrants from ice.
Tha sort of spirit.
Or I guess I should actually identify as more of a Democrat (as in believer of Democracy, not the politcial party), more of an internationalist, “Word Citizen”, but unfortunately, there is no such thing as “World Citizen” irl, you have to pick a nationality in practice to even be a part of anything.
As for China…
idk I feel like people just take too much of the government’s shit and doen’t do much about it… like c’mon wheres the 1911 spirit? (1911 is when they overthrew the monarchy)
The whole culture around mental health sucks… there’s no mental health awareless…
lots of ableism… (there’s no ADA equivalent as far as I know)
If I have to pick a place with Chinese-adjacent culture, I rather be Taiwanese tbh, or a Hong Konger, at least before they did the National Security Law thing, actually since I speak Cantonese, I would fit in there a lot if I pick up some vocabulary. Or Singapore. But it’s still Asia… mental health is so stigmitized.
I actually want to live in a “China” without the bad sides of China, know what I mean?
As in, a place with people that look like me, but fuse it with some of the American anti-authoritarian spirit, and more mental health awareness, less conservatism, more open minded, less ableist. China really needs some more anti-authoritarian mindset, needing a VPN to watch stuff is just crazy, like by now I’m so used to the western internet.
Like…
I look up some random threads using Baidu search engine, and I stuggle understanding the Chinese internet and their slangs, don’t understand their vibes at all.
But like on the other hand… Reddit and now Lemmy, I understand the vibes here much better, know what I mean.
Like if I was Chinese-Chinese, I wouldn’t really understand the vibes here and would probably feel like I don’t belong, and therefore not be participating here, even if I had somehow learned English.
(sorry if its incoherent)
“feel American as in the spirt of anti-authoritarianism… or what being American was supposed to be“
I don’t know what is the bigger shock… that it isn’t (and likely never was)
Or.
that it happened so fast and has been so readily accepted.I’m not American but I feel the sadness.
From what you speak, you don’t seem to have tended to your cultural / spiritual roots.
Solution is simple, to reestablish connection and to create bridges.
Visit your family in China. Speak, eat, breathe, talk, exist as a Chinese person with all the meaning that it entails.
But don’t disregard the identity you acquired. You chose a path, you gained a long series of memories, turn that into wisdom and utilize it in your future.
Too much focus on things from a westerners perspective you have. That’s what holds you back. Gain the perspectives of a Chinese person, and merge it together to be a wholer you.
Look, you went out of your way (or were put out of your way) to be here and learn the language. You live here, you work here, you pay taxes here, you’re at least as American as I am, and I was born here. So that has to count for something.
Borders are just arbitrary lines anyway. Nations as an idea didn’t exist until the fall of monarchy driven empires. We are all humans, we are all part of the greater human experience. I say again, borders are just arbitrary lines that don’t exist functionally in the real world and are only enforced by governments. When governments fall, do the lines even matter anymore? Should they have mattered to begin with?
It seems a bit silly to obsess over because you also didn’t choose your birth parents or what country you were born in. That is just as random as anything else in your existence. The farther you go back the more absurd it becomes. What if your great grandparents had emmigrated to Finland? Would you be Finnish? In the end, does it even matter?
I suggest living the life you are experiencing in the here and now and remember that the lines between humans mean nothing other what we decide they mean, because other than oceans dividing the western and eastern hemispheres, there are no real dividing lines in nature. Focus on the future, not the past.
You’re you. And you’re human. Everything else is secondary.
It’s the same for all of us — eight billion apes with a weird fur pattern, walking on the back legs like chickens and eating random stuff like rats. We’re all unique, and yet all the same.
You don’t need to base your identity on nationality.
Your security really does rest on the law. When the law works you feel safe accepted. But the law is no longer working there. And that impacts your security.
So I suspect your mind jumps to was I right? should I have just settled for what I had and been secure? should I have gone elsewhere? Could you really handle all that again.
It feels nice to be accepted to another nation, to be part of something, to call yourself one of them. It hurts to the core to be reminded you are not.
If you need to you can go elsewhere. There are other places that are safe and can offer you peace.
But you still speak Chinese and know Chinese culture, don’t you? That should give you a hybrid identity. You could travel between the two places and feel relatively comfortable in either one.
Lol I have no idea what even is “Chinese Culture” anymore, as an introvert I did not like holidays, so kinda felt so left out when visiting extended family members (in the US)
Like I just know red envelopes, and they say a bunch of like… I guess “prayers” in Chinese (?) stuff? Burning incense and like those faux “heaven money” thing as a ritual, then like they say a bunch of things. Also moon festival thing (中秋節)… Idk what they’re doing most of these holidays, not interested lol, wanna just like… chill or something… Probably makes me “not Chinese”.
Idk… I don’t exactly like “tradition”. (Lunar) New years stuff is too loud, makes me anxious and hurts my ears.
Then again, I don’t like turkey, so idk if I’m even “American” either. I don’t like sports… which apparantly you need to in order to be “American” (??? is that a thing or just a stereotype? people talk about sports too much lol)
So I guess: Introverts of the world, Unite?
United Federation of “Pls don’t enter my bubble, I need to ‘recharge my social battery’”
xD
I speak Cantoese… sort of… I have trouble talking to parents.
My Mandarin has not been in use for 15 years lol.
I probably talk like a 2nd grader, since that’s the extent of when Chinese education ended (when I left)
I like the idea of visiting, but don’t wanna like actually live there… Just for example: VPNs can break anytime as they roll out some AI traffic analysis firewall stuff.
I remember my mom warning me about food safety stuff when I was a kid, no clue if they have fixed that stuff yet, corruption runs rampant there.
Thanks for taking the time to write back. That was an interesting viewpoint.
I’ve met some immigrants who seem to fall between cultures and languages. They are not 50/50. More like 40% each culture and 20% something that doesn’t seem to fit anywhere. It’s a pretty rough identity to have. Some of them seem to embrace the concept of being a world citizen instead. Have you thought about it that way?
Random Person: “So are you Chinese or American?”
Me: "Um… ‘Earth Must Come First’?’
But seriously tho, “World Citizen” isn’t a real thing (not yet at least), so I sound like some silly Sov-Cit if I actually say that irl.
Do you think violence is a proper solution to most problems? Do you think America/the West at large has had a net positive impact in the world and uses its superior firepower for peacekeeping reasons? Do you believe in anything in earnest? You might be more American than you think! Lol
Tbh, America, like the rest of Western societies, is a tiered society with Western Europeans at the top, other Europeans in second place, and then it goes down from lighter skin to darker skin. Perhaps this is just a reminder of that reality but if you don’t have some Anglo-Saxon/general Germanic ancestry, you’re a second class citizen in an ethnonationalist empire. Still American, just not, you know, “American American” but one with a hyphen, to denote your outgroup status.
Do you think violence is a proper solution to most problems?
American Revolution
辛亥革命 Xinhai Revolution
抗日戰爭 War of Resistance against Japanese Imperialism
Operation Overlord / D-Day
French Revolution
need more?
That’s the part you decided to reply to? 😅 Don’t worry then, you’re more American than you’re not!
