Because the world sucks and there is nothing I can do with it
Everything is expensive. I’m behind on everything. There’s no end in sight.
Because all of these moneymen and salesmen have their collective boots on my throat. I can’t just go outside and play anymore what with all of the cameras and evil groups concerned about why I might be outside.
Right now? My boyfriend is very clearly emotionally wounded by something he doesnt want to share with me. Feeling helpless makes me unhappy, EZ.
I’m not demoralized by the problems the world faces. I’m demoralized by people’s active efforts against solving them, or encouraging making them worse. Racism above economic benefits for all. More expensive gas vehicles over the multitude of transport options that don’t pollute our environment.
In history books, I read stories about how the world had to band together to win WW2; for instance, stories about sharing used nylons to make parachutes, or how the modern post office was reinvented. As horrible as war was, I miss when people would actually try. It disgusts me that a great many people just know that you-know-who lies on the regular and still support him.
I don’t even hate him so strongly. I hate what he showed of our world as a litmus test, and it’s made it hard to trust that world again.
Because everything is awful.
Fight or flight… avoid or smash… I think everybody is trying to find stable. If not it is a loop spun by a unhealthy environment. Internalize or not. The worm lives for now. On top of that we are all mortal which depending might be good. We are all waiting in line. You would have to define happy in great detail. Maybe there should be a word that encompasses healthy inline with the natural world.
I don’t know how to
Progressive health problems are progressing. Slowly losing my life more and more to these awful diseases. Every month another small capability dies, and my life shrinks again.
I try to focus on the short term, living day to day. That isn’t so bad, I’m reasonably happy. But sometimes I look up and remember the cliff edge approaching. I think that would disturb anybody.
Almost every issue I have right now goes back to billionaires, fascism, or capitalism. The last two years have been the most difficult of my life so far, and literally existential. I just nearly avoided statelessness and now I can’t legally work following a layoff, so I’ve been living off of savings
What would be the point?
If you are happy you are a target, you still haven’t lost hope and you still have something that can be taken away.
I’m lonely and hate myself, and I hate myself too much to move towards not being lonely.
Also I’m in the Navy, and I work insane hours.
Brain chemistry and resistance to medication.
Why should I be?
Chronic fatigue and insomnia.
